Bang!  Ha ha!  Gotcha!  Nah, nah. I’m just playin with you, man.  Just playin with you.   People been takin everything so serious lately.   Come on.  It was just a few guns!  Did people get all up on you like this the last time YOU played a practical joke with some guns? See what I’m saying?

I can’t believe how fast people are turning on Agent Zero.  How they gonna do me like that?   Think back to my contributions recently.  I played in 47 games over the past three seasons. FORTY SEVEN. How many did you play in? Uh-huh. The prosecution rests. That rock don’t chuck itself, homeboy.  You’re treating me like all those games didn’t mean nothing to you.  But go ahead…get rid of me. If you can find another eccentric shoot-first point guard with bad knees who’s willing to play for $111 million, you got my blessing, man. Hey! Why are you dancing? You don’t gotta dance on me, man.

You know, this all reminds me of a story I once heard.  It’s one of those fake stories…fake stories?   Fairy tale, like…FABLE!  It’s like one of those fables.  But it’s about a man who fell in love with a blind woman, okay.   The man loved her so much, he gave her his eyes so she could see.  And when she could see, he asked her to marry him, but she was all like, “I don’t wanna marry no blind man.”  You see?  That blind man was me.  I GAVE YOU MY EYES, DC!  WHAT ELSE YOU WANT!?!?!   Oh, you want your money back?  Sorry, can’t do that.  Artificial atmospheres don’t pay for themselves, do they now.

So as you might have guessed, I got me a little extra down time these days.  It’s just temporary…until these clown-ass cops realize they’re stupid and they got no case.  Except for those guns.  You know.  But F that, man. They’ll learn it’s the media’s fault and then I’ll sue the media and then I’ll write stories about how stupid THEY are!  I’ll be talking about how they get it on with dogs and stuff like that.  It’s just like what they’re doing with me.  Except my shit is true, that’s all.  Your day of reckoning is coming, media.  Believe that.

All my extra free time means I can watch a lot more ball on the TV.  I do it while I’m counting my umbrella collection.  Did you know I collect umbrellas?  Yeah, man, I got like four thousand of them bitches.  It’s just a little habit I picked up on the streets.  When I’m not giving money to schools, you know, I’m buying umbrellas.

One of the ball games I’m gonna watch is Maryland-Florida State. For the 12-2, 18th-ranked Seminoles, it begins and ends with their front court, Solomon Alabi and Chris Singelton. And don’t be sleepin on Ryan Reid, either. That dude does some serious dirty work. In fact, they all do serious dirty work. This is a dirty work team. They are NASTY on the blocks, yo. NASTY on the boards. Serious swag down there, son. They’re tops in the ACC in scoring defense, FG percentage defense (opponents only shoot 33 percent…DAMN!), and blocked shots. Second in steals. Third in defensive rebounding. So let me repeat: they. are. nasty.

That’s why this one might be hard for Maryland. When was the last time you saw them mix it up with anybody? If I was the other coach, I would be like, “Maryland’s good, but you hit em in the mouth one time and they fold.” Hitting dudes in the mouth is this team’s specialty. Jordan Williams and Dino Gregory better be on notice. They’re gonna log some rugged minutes, man. Not to mention Vasquez and Bowie and anyone else that wants to slash their way in there. Something tells me Bowie’s gonna have a quiet game.

On offense, though, things flip around. It’s clear the Noles miss Toney Douglas. And why wouldn’t they? He played there for like 12 years. But now, they got no big-time scoring threat. They dump it inside and hope for the best. They’re methodical, which is a nice way of saying they got no clear options. But you know what? Maryland does. So if it’s Vasquez and Mosely time, and if Hayes gets hot, now we got something.

But assuming FSU’s superior defense and Maryland’s superior offense are equal and opposite, it’s gonna come down to the intangibles. Will, baby. Hustle. Who can impose their game on the other one? I’m saying Florida State gets this one. They’re hungry right now. Maybe Maryland wins the rematch in Tallahassee on Feb. 4, but the Noles are gonna get this one. I’ll bet you on it. I’ll bet you my umbrellas. Well, some of my umbrellas. Actually, I’ll go you one better. I got four guns here that says FSU gets the W. Actually, you don’t even gotta bet me. Just take em, OK? Take those gloves off and hold ‘em in your hand. My gift to you, son! Go ahead, get on outta here.

Prediction: Florida State 79, Maryland 66