Yo, whassup, bro? What’s goin on? Hey, what are you doin tonight? Wanna meet up? Pound some brews? Beerage? Sweet. That’s what I’m talkin about, man. Just another day at Bongwood College. You feelin me? Hollaaaaaa!!!

So bro, did you know we had a basketball team?  Me neither. But apparently they play Maryland tonight. Woot woot!   I was sitting in my accounting class — which is kickin my BUTT, btw — and I checked it out on my Chocolate.  We’re 4-14…that’s like The Drobber’s record with the ladies, ROTFL. I’m just clownin you, Drobs. What a guy. Remember that time Drobs snorted jungle juice out of his nose, and it sprayed all over that girl that Moose was trying to creep on, and the girl freaked out and left with her friend or whatever, and Moose got all pissed, but then Drobs was like “bro, she was busted…I just did your ass a favor”? I laughed so hard my tongue stud almost came out. Caitlin would have killed me. Know what I mean, bro?  Oh yeah.  Up top! Yo, give it to me up top! THAT’S what I’m talkin about!

But yeah, our team is 4-14…and they don’t even have a conference affiliation. We’ve already lost to Stephen F. Austin, Chattanooga, Columbia, and Bethune-Cookman. We did beat Florida Gulf Coast, though. Remember when we went to Florida for spring break? Oh my gosh we pounded so many brews, bro. And the girls were fierce! Best time of my life. Ever.

Our best dudes are Antwan Carter and Dana Smith. But E.J. Dawson is pretty nice, too. He leads the team with 3.2 assists and is second on the team with 1 steal. And those averages are PER GAME, bro.  Pretty badass.  Don’t mess with me. I got a C in statistics.

Also, we don’t have any player taller than 6′7″. And our best guy, Durann Neil, is out for the season. Yo. Not good. But check out what our coach said in this preview:

“We’re at a stage now where we’re not trying to do anything that I think we’re not capable of doing.”

Awesome. Doesn’t that make you wanna, like, run through a rock-climbing wall or whatever? I’m PUMPED, bro! We’re gonna run it up, we’re gonna run it down. Then we’re gonna storm the court, and like, set the basket on fire, and then you know what? Oh, you KNOW it, bro. Serious brews in need of poundage.  I’m gonna go rinse out my funnel right now. I think I left it under the bed.  Sweet!

Prediction: Longwood 48, Maryland 115