I could’ve been a contender.

Before this fate befell me, I was not merely a happy clown and purveyor of fanciful nosegays. I was a happy Maryland football fan. And now, here we are. On the eve of their final game, with the coaching job in question.  Let’s get this final preview over with. Not that anyone’s reading.

First of all, everyone’s talking about how this game will go a long way toward determining whether Ralph Friedgen will be fired. I say that’s a bunch of hogwash. Take it from me. I’ve drunk plenty of hogwash in my day. It’s a good source of protein and is surprisingly bacon-y. But as we all know, it’s going to be too expensive to buy out Friedgen’s contract, with public money or private. Can you see boosters scraping together $4 million for this? I don’t care how rich you are. That’s a lot.  And it’s weird.

So he’s not going to get fired. But it would still be good for the program if the 2-9 Terps could avoid the first 10-loss season in school history. Maybe they would be on the picture tube more than three times next season.

So what are the chances of that? Ah, there’s no chance. Who are we kidding. Yes, it’s Senior Day, and yes, Chris Turner could limp out on the field to inspire his ragtag crew to one more shot at glory. But it’s not gonna help. BC is a bad offensive team…seventh in the ACC in scoring offense. Guess what? Maryland is eleventh. They say the pass offense of BC is poor…they’re ninth in the ACC there. Guess what? Maryland’s pass DEFENSE is dead last. BC is also ninth in pass efficiency. Maryland is tenth. Meanwhile, BC is fourth in total defense. Maryland is eleventh.

Screw this, man. I don’t wanna go through anymore statistics any more. Maryland is going to lose this to go 2-10. You know, I know it, the train conductors know it, the children know it. Ralph almost certainly won’t lose his job. But you know something? I’ve tied an extra hanky around a stick for him. Just in case.

There you have it. Another season over, another year closer to the embrace of the grave, where every side of the pillow is always cold. If rotgut whisky doesn’t the death of me, these Terrapins surely shall.

Prediction: Boston College 24, Maryland 15