So when my producers told me a visit to College Park was imminent, my response was simple, and immediate:  where do I sign.  When College Park comes calling, my friends, you have no choice but to accept the charges.

The deal was only sweetened for me when I was informed, as we all clambored into that late-model Mercedes SUV, that the weekend in question was, in fact, homecoming weekend. 

Homecoming weekend. It’s a time-honored tradition in this part of the world.  Friends and family come from far and wide to pay visits to a favorite son, niece, or buddy who, with any luck, is working toward his or her diploma, that ticket to the real world that comes rushing at you like a Pamplona silverback stoned on Vivarin and Fundador.  Revelers of all stripes eat and drink as if the world might end, and above all, they root.  Root root.  For the home team. Throw Midnight Madness in there, and you have the makings of a weekend for the record books, especially as they pertain to the local jail population.

Being from New York City, I admit to some uncertainty over the homecoming phenomenon.  Fortunately for me, College Park offers the perfect initiation.  The street food — hamburgers and hot dogs grilled in the open air, Thermonuclear hot wings, doughy Ratsie’s pizza — provides a veritable culinary rainbow for a humble, road-weary New York City traveler like myself.  After a bite to eat and a drink or five, we head to Lot 4.  And that’s where I see it for the first time.  A father and son, both members of the same fraternity, wearing matching Under Armour shirts just a touch too small, weaving arm-in-arm through the crowd, vomiting on shoes, calling everyone gay.  That’s when I finally understood.  Though I hadn’t known it when I’d first set out, this was what I had come to see.

Oh, and I have also come for a football game.  A football game between two teams bad enough that an ersatz rivalry was in order for the locals, and their football heroes, to give a crap. Maryland linebacker Alex Wujciak derided Virginia students as essentially a group of preppy snobs. Virginia coach Al Groh said that had he known about standout Terp receiver and Virginia native Torrey Smith, Smith would be playing for the Cavs right now.  I suppose there is, after all, some legitimacy to this rivalry. As Ralph Friedgen points out, these campuses are relatively close, and a lot of the players know one another.  Nevertheless, talk of this being some sort of blood feud rings as hollow to me as my road-weary footsteps on the lonely midnight pavement of New York City, where I grew up.

Even as the schools are close, so too are their teams. Virginia has rebounded from a winless start (which included, you’ll recall, a loss to William and Mary) to marshal a 2-3 record, nearly equalling Maryland’s illustrious 2-4.   Star Cavs running back Mikell Simpson is doubtful for the game, which could put the pressure on big fullback and alleged felon Rashawn Jackson.  Maryland, again, is in a similar boat. With their ground game gaining only 62 yards last week without Da’rel Scott, QB Chris Turner now may wish to seek out Torrey Smith, who is no doubt looking to show UVA what they missed.  The aerial attack may be the Terps’ best chance, but it will face a UVA defense ranked third in the ACC against the pass and led by reining ACC Defensive Back of the Week Ras-I Dowling.  You may remember that he picked off a pass in last year’s 31-0 Virginia romp over the Terps.

And there’s my segue. I’m from New York City, so I don’t know much about the state of Maryland. But in doing this show, I now know the state of Maryland football.  They want revenge for last year’s butt-kicking, but frankly speaking, the signs are not encouraging. The predicted bad weather could turn this into trench warfare — not a strong suit for the Terps. We’ll see if Davin Meggett and the linemen are up to the task. My belief is they are not. Field goals will soar through the rain-soaked air like the mortar shells thumped over the treetops of Bastogne. And in the end, the Cavaliers will prevail. And the revelry in College Park will take a turn for the worse. But you know something? That’s my kind of party.

Prediction: Virginia 19, Maryland 9

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Hey there. How ya doin? What is this. A, uhhhh, like a blog? Bloggers? You bloggin it up? I like that. Pretty good. Pret-ty, pret-ty good.

Pre-tyyyyyyyyyy, PRE-TYYYYYYY GOOOOOOOOD.

Where was I. Oh my God, did you just see that guy? I think he just drove off without paying for that gas. Wait…was that Steven Spielberg? I think it was!! OMG, I think Steven Spielberg just drove off without paying for his gas. Mr. Big Shot. Like he can’t afford it. I’m calling the cops. I’ll testify against that guy. There’s no way this will backfire on me.

So this weekend. Biiiiiig, big weekend. Got a lotta big plans. Big plans. Oh, you don’t think I have plans? I have plans, buddy boy. I’m going back to the old alma mater. How do you pronounce that anyway? Is it like MAH-ter, or is it like MAIT-er. Alma Mater. I think I felt her up once at summer camp. What’s my old alma mater? Why, the University of Maryland. You didn’t know that? Oh, yeah. Go Terps. I’m a big Terp. Love the Terps. Sports keeps you young. Virile. None of that Viagra for me. Just give me a good old smashmouth football game. Give me the old slobberknocker. That’s right.

So what do we got on tap for the Terps this weekend? Wake? Like in the morning? Oh, Wake Forest. I gotcha. They’re the, uhhhh, wolves, the den, no the Wolf Pack! Demon Deacons? Same difference. Let me just consult my notes here. Don’t think I don’t know Wake. Well, Wake’s pretty easy to scout. It begins and ends with quarterback Riley Skinner. He’s a senior and he holds a lot of records down there. He’s gonna test our secondary, that’s for sure. Hey, did I remember to give Anthony Wiseman the wrong directions? I hope so. Don’t tell anybody, but I rerouted him to the Jersey Shore.

Skinner’s the key, but Wake is looking to get the running game going this Saturday as well. Senior Kevin Harris is hurt, so Josh Adams and Brandon Pendergrass are gonna get the calls. Skinner will be involved even in this, because they’re gonna dink and dunk it a lot. So that’ll be exciting. Dink and dunk. It’s like the two guys you don’t want to end up talking to at the party. It just screams barnburner. Am I right?

But hey, I’m a Terp fan. I shouldn’t talk about running games. We’ve got Da’rel Scott out, and in his place is this nice Dim Sum of crap. I’m just kidding. I’m sure Davin Meggett and Gary Douglas and D.J. Adams are fine people. But with them and with Bruce Campbell definitely out, it’s a problem.

Defensively, I think Maryland is rounding into form. I’m just not sure that Cameron Chism is enough to stem the tide against this Wake aerial attack. They’re like F-22s. F-a millions. Maybe our line can hold up enough to let the linebackers make plays on the receivers. Wake’s just OK on the defensive side, I think. They’re 7th in the ACC in total defense. Feh. They’re like an overripe apple. They’re all mealy.

Basically, this is a fulcrum game for Maryland. They win, and the headline is “they’ve righted the ship.” They lose, and they’re cellar dwellars. Let the roller coaster ride continue. Maryland is 6-2 against Wake recently, but Skinner and the O is gonna be too much. They have at least one big strength. Maryland may be improving, but as of now, they have none.

Oh hey, Anthony! I can’t believe it, I gave you the wrong directions by accident! Don’t hit me, this is all a big misunderstanding. I need to get a ride out of here. Steven! Steven, is that you? Gimme a ride, no it wasn’t me that called the cops! Why are you talking crazy?!?! Steve! Baby! Anthony! crap.

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Prediction: Maryland 10, Wake Forest 21

So the Terps’ top running back, Da’rel Scott, is out until at least Nov. 21 with a broken arm. Left tackle and o-line anchor Bruce Campbell, who has already missed half of the team’s games so far, may or may not be out against Wake with a knee. Injury.

Davin Meggett is OK as the starting RB, but he only got 27 yards against Clemson. Paul Pinegar would be OK at left tackle, but, well, he’s not Bruce Campbell.

Hopefully, the defense is rounding into form. With Torrey Smith (18th nationally in receiving yards) and company along the sidelines, the passing game doesn’t figure to stay down for long stretches. And with Smith (second nationally in all-purpose yards) handling returns and Nick “The Junior Kick” Ferrara playing the one-man band on the special teams, I’m sure that unit will continue to be solid, not to mention highly inspirational.

That leaves the running game hanging out there like Anthony Munoz’s retarded pinkie finger. According to this Post article, the Terps had 28 rushing yards in the Rutgers loss, and rank 100th nationally in rushing offense. The RBs have only scored five TDs this year, and Scott had three of those. I’m no Vince Cromartie, but when you SUBTRACT two of your best pieces from a unit that you already needed three numbers to rank, that may NOT be the spark you were hoping for. The Post article also states that, deep in the final quarter on Saturday, on a big fourth down (which Maryland converted), Coach Friedgen “wavered before deciding the offensive line could indeed stand up to Clemson’s athletic defensive front and help the Terrapins get six inches.” First of all, six inches. Second of all, it’s never a compliment when you hear “THAT is a unit you can really waver on.”

It will be interesting to see how they do against a fair-to-middlin Wake rushing defense. And we could see redshirt freshman Gary Douglas (21 yards against Clemson) get significant time, which would be interesting. Report on him is that he’s athletic enough, but not overly predisposed to the tough runs and the trench work. With the O-line still struggling, he could be called on to do plenty of the ugly stuff. As always….we shall see….between the white lines.

(Photo credit: Washington Times)

But before that, the game. At this point, it’s clear this is not a good team.  I know, I know…this limb’s gonna snap!!!   But seriously, their problems seem more intractable each week.  Saying this team would be good “if they just stopped committing turnovers” is like saying the alcoholic would get better if he just stopped drinking; it’s obvious there are deeper demons after five more giveaways yesterday.  Da’Rel Scott, for whatever reason, suddenly can’t hold on to the football.  Chris Turner made some horrific decisions.  And of course, there’s the pitiful O-line, which caused the almost comically awful play in the Terp end zone when Turner tried to throw it away to avoid a safety but instead just dribbled it onto the turf.  Touchdown Rutgers.

The defense just plain sucks right now.  Alex Wujciak, the unit’s leader, got 17 tackles and played well, but made no tackles for loss and forced no turnovers.  That sums up the unit:  they just don’t make plays.  Just the opposite, in fact; they’re extraordinarily susceptible to big plays, as evidenced by Joe Martinek’s late TD runs of 29 and 61 yards to ice the game.

Torrey “Darrius Heyward-Bey” Smith continued his great but baffling play, finishing with 237 total yards but fading out of the offense in the second half.   They’ve gotta get him the ball.  I repeat: they have got to get him the ball.  Don’t overthink it.  Ride him into the ground.

I’ll stop there with the criticisms.  Now, back to the goals.  Since, for all intents and purposes, we’re playing for pride now, let’s do just that.  Here’s a bold new goal:  let’s try to not be the ACC’s worst team.  The conference is weak.  Duke and UVA should be Ws, right?  Right?  Bueller? 

Final thought:  it looks bleak, but I’m not taking up the torch and pitchfork yet.  We’ve still got some eminently beatable teams on the schedule, and in the weak-as-my-grandmama ACC, much is possible.  If the Terps, knowing they’re not gonna contend, can just keep their heads up and claw their way back to the pack, it won’t be a lost season.  If nothing else, they’ve gotta beat Duke.  It’s so important to have goals!  Even if  you have to change them all the time.

You didn’t know I was a football fan?  I love football; it makes you wish, and dream.  It provides a break from reality…sometimes I really needed that. Can’t you just picture me on a Saturday afternoon, lounging on my $750,000 rainbow-colored hippopotamus couch, a plate of corn dogs in one hand, ice cold glass of bat milk in the other?  That’s a good lunch for me.

For the Maryland-Rutgers game, lots of weird parallels. It’s like Maryland holds up their hand in the mirror, and there’s Rutgers, and they’re waving, but at the same time, and they’re perfectly aligned!  You know?  No?  Shamon over here and I’ll show you. First of all, both teams lost big in their openers–Rutgers lost to Cincinnati 47-15, and we all know about the Terps. Hee hee! But Rutgers is 2-1 now, while Maryland is 1-2. Both teams gamble with blitz-happy defenses, but the Rutgers defense locked down after its loss, surrendering just 22 points to Howard and FIU, while the Terps have surrendered approximately 822 points.   Both have a two-headed RB monster — Joe Martinek and Jourdan Brooks for Rutgers, Scott and Meggett for the Terps. Rutgers starts an unproven freshman at QB (although he might be injured), and Maryland starts an unproven senior (just kidding Chris — a-HEE HEE!).

Even their stadium situations are eerily similar in an Opposite Day kind of way (Yaaay! I LOVE, I mean, I HATE Opposite Day!). Maryland’s ticket problems in its newly expanded stadium are well documented, but meanwhile Rutgers is packing its newly expanded stadium.  It’s cra-zee!  Almost as crazy as that Bubbles thing. Want to know a secret?  There was no such thing as Bubbles. He wasn’t real!  It was just some chimpanzee that I was having intercourse with. Sexual intercourse.

Bottom line:  it’s a broken record for the Terps – and I should know about breaking records. If Maryland can get its O-line and running game working, they have a chance. If Torrey Smith can light up star CB Devon McCoury like a jheri curl on a Pepsi shoot, they have a chance. If Bruce Campbell returns at left tackle and can help slow down pass rush specialist Jonathan Freeny (Dwight’s second cousin), they have a chance.  If they can play mistake-free, they have a chance.

But as with Billie Jean’s paternity suit, there are many ifs. And I don’t see that Maryland’s home field advantage is as strong as in years past. I would rank it behind the home field advantage I enjoyed at Neverland, although I had wine and special locks and Ferris wheels and wishing trees and hospital-grade anesthesia. As previously mentioned. Wheeee! Sorry, Terps, but I love my Scarlet Knights. But do not be melancholy.  I love you all forever.

Love always,
Michael.

Prediction:  Rutgers 27, Maryland 16

As first reported by Maryland alpha blog Testudo Times, Torrey Smith leads the nation in all-purpose yards. He also ranks 24th nationally in total receiving yards with 273, and that’s with only 14 catches. And he’s only a sophomore. Here’s hoping he gets more involved in the offense, and the criticisms that surrounded Darrius Heyward-Bey’s perceived underutilization are not repeated.

Also, the running game had its best day, if you don’t count the turnovers, although I realize that’s kind of like saying Bruce Willis is a good actor if you don’t count Hudson Hawk, The Jackal, Surrogates, Color of Night, and Look Who’s Talking Too. The beleagured O-line opened some decent holes for Da’rel Scott and Davin Meggett, who combined for 168 yards and two TDs. Megget also had 63 receiving yards. You can build on that.

The defense got their first turnovers of the season as well — two INTs from Cameron Chism and fumble recovery from Travis Ivey. Also, we had an A.J. Francis sighting! Very exciting. He was the one who blocked the extra point early on.

So there are some things we can cling to. At least until Monday is over.

Look at this photo. Look at it!

They beat us in their house last year. Now they’ve beaten us in our house this year. All this talk about revenge game, and this and that, and this is what happens. Another year, another group of Blue Raiders jubilant at Maryland’s expense. Gah. I’m gagging. Need air. I need to breathe!

Okay. Get a hold of yourself, man. Whew. So I should probably mention that I didn’t actually watch the game, mainly because it will be a cold wet day in Hades before I cough up any money to the Evil Sports Programming Network for ESPN360.com. They could put the Super Bowl on there and I still wouldn’t pony up. Fuck them. That’s right. Fuck you, ESPN. Fuck ESPN360.com. And fuck this fucked up ACC TV deal. You want my wallet, you pry it out of my dead hand.

Whoa. Okay. Breathe. I’m a little angry. The morning after and I’m still upset. I may be misdirecting a bit but I’m still salty with ESPN for doing this. Anyway, a bunch of us were getting updates from a friend via cellphone, and it looked like we had it in the bag. That is, until Middle Tennessee State drove the length of Byrd Stadium in the final moments to kick a game-winning field goal. Read that sentence again. Guess what the key play was on the drive. Cameron Chism – Nolan Carroll’s replacement — was burned for 35 yards. What was a team strength — secondary — is now a glaring weakness. Jamari McCulloch can’t come back fast enough.

Other problems: Poor tackling. Missed field goals. Turnovers, including one by backup QB Jamarr Robinson, who played a whopping three snaps but somehow managed to lose a fumble. Again, the lines were porous. And in general, the offense and defense don’t seem to be, what’s the word, functioning.

Bright spots: 287 all-purpose yards from Torrey Smith. To be fair, Chism had two interceptions. Chris Turner had 288, 2 TDs, 1 INT, although he was sacked four times. Travis Baltz had a 40.6 punting average. Rock solid!

Bottom line: Two consecutive losses to Middle Tennessee State = unacceptable. Period. Ralph Friedgen has a lot of work to do. Everyone says his job is safe because the assumption is he’s going to fulfill his contract (this season then two more) and then fade into the sunset. Fine. But right now, there’s a playing-out-the-string feel to all of this that can’t continue. Fridge seemed angry after the game. Good. I think the team can round into form during the ACC season, but it’s not gonna happen automatically. Get to work, guys. This is humiliating.

(Photo credit: AP photo/Murfreesboro Daily News Journal)

There are times when I say, ‘Wow, we are making progress,’ ” Friedgen said. “And there are other times when I say, ‘Are we going to show up?’

-Ralph Friedgen in Saturday’s Washington Post

I read this comment on Saturday morning sitting in the Mayflower Hotel in Washington, DC, and thought, “He’s just setting expectations.”  In retrospect, I think Ralph knew that we might expect this team to fly across the country, get overwhelmed by a better team that was out for blood, and head back to College Park with their tail between their legs.  That’s exactly what happened.

The game started at 10PM EST.  At 10:15 it was still 0-0.  I called my buddy Matt, correctly figuring he might be heading back from the bar to watch the second half of the Tech game at home, and told him I’d hop in my car and meet him at his place to watch the Tech game and the Maryland game.  I grabbed six beers out of the fridge, got in my car at 10:20, and flipped on XM 190.  The display showed the score as 14-0 Cal.  I did a double-take and listened carefully.  In the span of 42 game seconds, or five minutes in real time, Jahvid Best had scored twice.  The rout was on.

Is the season over?  No.  These days, Maryland generally plays to be in the hunt for the ACC title and, failing that possibility, something better than the Roady’s Humanitarian Bowl.  Those goals are still possible to achieve.

Was there anything positive to take away from this game?  No.  On the offensive side of the ball, Da’Rel Scott did most of his damage on a single drive in garbage time during the third quarter.  During the first two quarters, Maryland’s offensive line could not contain Cal’s linebackers, and Scott could not find a corner to turn.  With 75 friends and family from Simi Valley literally populating the visitor’s section, Chris Turner started the game in rhythm against a defense that was bringing it, and he seemed to be prepared.  Eventually, the constant jailbreak pressure proved to be too much.  At a time when  the Terps desperately needed to strike back, Turner turned into a game manager, often throwing short of the first down marker and failing to move the chains, at times looking as though he was running for his life.  To add injury to insult, Bruce Campbell suffered a turf toe injury, and the only “veteran” offensive lineman we have may have to sit out.

Defensively, Maryland could not get pressure on the quarterback and Cal QB Kevin Riley had all the time he needed to pick apart the secondary.  I guess an entire off-season of media hype regarding Dan Brown’s blitz scheme turned out to be a bunch of chutzpah.  Cal did not seem to have a size advantage on Maryland, but they certainly outran the Terps, both up-front and in the secondary.  It is tough to tell from yesterday’s game, but Brown may have to tone down the blitzing and have the secondary stay at home a bit more, especially against faster teams.

Needless to say, the Terps have a lot of room for improvement.  They got beat on the road by a top-ranked team that has a Heisman Trophy candidate running back, and that’s not the end of the world.  The team has a couple of weeks to get it’s act together before they face Rutgers.  In the meantime, Friedgen should take a starter’s gun on the practice field and work on reaction times.

OK, sorry, hi, blog reader out there.  “Sports fan.”   What, are you pouting because John Summeralls isn’t here instead?   Well, let me tell you one thing, bucko.  We’re doing this my way?  Or you can hit the highway.  Because I don’t want to hear it from you.  Don’t like it?  Look, I’m packing you a bag.  See?  It’s full of soiled diapers, FDS and Altoids Gum.  That should get you to Allentown, right?  Or maybe you just want to sit back down.

Pussy.

So is there football starting tomorrow or are you just happy to see me? Probably a little of both.  Conjuring up The Orange Bikini Shot?  Got a little Gosselin burn-in, do you?  I don’t blame you.  You see this?   No telling where the stretch marks end and the lipo scars begin.  It’s like a scarway to heaven, ahahahaha!  So you just keep on daydreaming, buddy boy.  That is, unless your last name is “Clooney” or “Philbin.”  Is it?  It’s not?  Oh, okay.  Back to your Doritos then, desk jockey.  Don’t strain yourself there.

As we all know, Maryland upset Cal last year when the Bears were ranked #23.  But this year, the Bears are ranked #12.  Whereas Maryland lost 30 players after last season, the Bears return 17 starters.  You do the math.  The biggest star for either team is Heisman Trophy Candidate Jahvid Best. He’s a finesse guy, and he’s on the home Astroturf this time around. You know what that means.  Track meet.  Best ran for 1,580 yards in 2008, 916 of which came at home — and he missed one of those games.  Yeah, Maryland held him to a season-low 25 yards last year, but who’s gonna make Jahvid Best puke on Saturday?  Ahh, Kevin Barnes — now THERE was a man. Not like you guys; no offense.  But you know what I mean, you know?  Plus, apparently Jahvid is out for blood this year.  And I can relate.  I have also developed a taste for blood.  But Jon was all like, “stop cutting me open in the middle of the night,” and “we can’t raise children just to harvest their blood,” and yadda yadda yadda.  It was always about him, his needs.

But it’s not just about Best for Cal. They’re returning eight starters on a defense that ranked 26th nationally last year. Their defensive line is particularly strong, anchored by senior Tyson Alualu.  Wow — a West Coast team with a big Polynesian guy on defense.  Shocking.  But still, I guess he might be a problem for Da’rel Scott and the Terp runner guys, which could translate to a big test for Torrey Smith, Adrian Cannon, LaQuan Williams, and the rest of those young buck receivers if the runner guys stall. Yoo-hoo, young bucks!  Ever seen a cougar before?  Look, I’m on the “prowl” right now.  Rawr!

Oh, paparazzi! How did you put yourselves in my speed dial?

One more thing about the game.  Maryland’s big weakness — the lines — may not be such a big deal against Cal, who aren’t exactly known for their smashmouth football.

ALEXIS!  Stay out of there!  You know Daddy’s room is off limits while Mommy turns it into a wine bar.   Eat your Kentucky Grilled Chicken.  Good stuff, right, Lexi?  All you moms out there know what I’m talking about.  Or anyone who’s ever respected a mom.  Go check out Kentucky Grilled Chicken!   It’s really been my strength lately.  My stability.

Bottom line.  Let me try to break it to you gently. I think Cal’s gonna kick your heinies. They want revenge, they’re at home, they’ve got more horses and more experience. (Maryland’s still gonna cover that ridiculous 22-point spread, though.)  Now before you start whining at me — I can’t STAND it when a man whines — you need to understand that I think Maryland will win some games this year.  Okay?  Just not this one.

Prediction:  Maryland 12 (no successful extra points), Cal 30

Time to stop talking about the back-up long snapper battle in the spring scrimmage. Time to start talking about the real players and the real games. Maryland out-gutted Cal last year at Byrd…we’ll see if they can do it again this year in Berkeley. I’m glad we’re starting the season with a tough test…it will be a good barometer. Now, I could be wrong — it’s happened once or twice before — but I have a good feeling about this football team. I like them.

There are uncertainties, but those uncertainties are also known quantities. In other words, I think we all know what we don’t know. The offensive line and the defensive line are both green and highly suspect. The O-line doesn’t even have two starting guards right now, with the one sure guard position manned by Andrew Gonnella, a walk-on—a walk-on with an inspiring story, but a walk-on nonetheless.

No one has emerged at place kicker or tight end. The team lost 30 seniors. They’re young in a lot of places. People aren’t expecting much of us. This ground is well trod.

But despite all this, I think they’re strong and deep in a lot of good areas. Da’rel Scott leads a talented RB corps that could make up for a lack of proven road graders on the interior of the line. The wide receivers are young, but they’re frisky and they’re deep. Ditto the secondary. Alex Wujciak is absolutely the key to the defense and leads what could be a solid group of linebackers–if he can stay healthy, and if Don “Attacking Style” Brown’s blitz packages can confound other teams the way they confounded their own during offseason scrimmages. By all accounts, the defense is much improved. And of course, back on offense, there’s Chris Turner. He’ll play a Steve Blake-type role here…the straw that stirs the drink. Putting his wideouts in a position to make plays.

So basically, if the lines can just be decent, the Terps can be good. There’s your season storyline.

Crazily, the Terps are a 22-point underdog at Cal — the team THEY BEAT LAST YEAR. Someone get my bookie on the phone.

Can’t wait for the season…I’M FREAKING OUT!!!!