fu*k Duke

If There Was An Elitist Jerk Tournament, Duke Would Need New Trophy Room

On April 5, 2010, In Maryland sports, By Scott

Thanks to national sports alpha blog Deadspin, we have two more wonderful reasons why Duke sucks.

First, the Indianapolis Star ran what I thought was a creative and amusing sports page that included a doodled-up visage of Coach K (see above). Coach K’s reaction to this evil doodle was as follows:

“It’s very juvenile. We have great kids who go to school, they graduate. If we’re going to be despised or hated by anybody because we go to school and we want to win, you know what, that’s your problem.”

See, Shishefski’s reaction here goes to the heart of why so many people hate Duke. Got a problem with Duke? Well, then you must have some kind of problem with excellence. It’s the same hatred shown to John Wooden…Bill Russell…Michael Jordan…you get the picture. Never mind that the article makes no mention whatsoever of academic excellence or graduation rates other than to say Duke has a “selective admissions policy.” Never mind that! Duke is the one answering questions at this press conference, and Duke’s verdict is that you Duke haters clearly do not value learning and intelligence the way that Duke does. There is simply no other explanation for your fear and jealousy! And you know what? That makes Duke sad for you.

It’s sad that you people choose to live your lives with such foolish hearts, blackened and consumed with all this anti-Duke rage. One wonders how — or if — you are even able to live productive lives under those circumstances. But you know, you can choose to control your anger and envy juuuuust a tiny bit better. M-kay? Tsk tsk, rest of the world. Tsk tsk.

(Interesting side note: the Star ran an apology after the big flap. Way to kowtow, Indy. Interesting side note #2: Brian Zoubek notes that Duke is “absolutely huge” in his home state of New Jersey. Hey, New Jersey! Stand up if you’re a Nets fan! A lot of New Jerseyites would root for seal-clubbing white supremacists if it gave them bragging rights and some fresh gear to rock at the Keisha concert. Sorry, Ian. You know it’s true, man.)

Oh, wait, there was another news item. According to Deadspin, Shishefski was quoted in the New York Times as saying this:

“What I think the great story is, tomorrow night is two private institutions playing for the national title…It’s a pretty cool thing.”

Yes indeed. Public school participation in our nation’s athletics is, how should I put this, very noble. Very cute. But when a couple of wealthy private schools reach the final, well, it just makes it a little more special. You know — special. It’s where all the REAL leaders can shine.

http://shell-games.com/wp-content/plugins/sociofluid/images/digg_48.png

http://shell-games.com/wp-content/plugins/sociofluid/images/reddit_48.png

http://shell-games.com/wp-content/plugins/sociofluid/images/delicious_48.png

http://shell-games.com/wp-content/plugins/sociofluid/images/technorati_48.png

http://shell-games.com/wp-content/plugins/sociofluid/images/myspace_48.png

http://shell-games.com/wp-content/plugins/sociofluid/images/facebook_48.png

http://shell-games.com/wp-content/plugins/sociofluid/images/twitter_48.png

Championship Game Tonight Caps Worst Possible NCAA Tournament for Maryland Fans

On April 5, 2010, In Maryland sports, By Scott

After Duke beats Butler for the title tonight — and don’t kid yourself, Duke is going to win — the worst NCAA tournament in recent memory, especially for Maryland fans, will be complete.

Why did this tournament suck so bad for us Terps? Let me count the ways:

Maryland lost on a buzzer beater in the second round. Sorry…just had to state it for the record.
Duke is going to win another title. Seven months of white-hot smugness, coming our way.
Duke received this title, as they receive so many things, on a silver platter. Just take a look at the facts. I’m not one to undermine an accomplishment based on personal dislike. If they win fair and square, you tip your cap. But Duke didn’t do that. So in my mind, their trophy will be made of bullshit. Expertly sculpted, sun-baked bullshit.
Michigan State makes the Final Four — just far enough to show Maryland fans how far we could have gone had the Lucious shot not gone in, but not far enough to prevent Duke from cake-walking to the Naismith Trophy.
A really ignominious ending for the most perfect sporting event in American history: the 64-team NCAA tourney. They will go to 96 teams next year, the regular season will be meaningless, and college hoops will be a lot less fun. But hey, whatever it takes to make an extra buck, right?

Combine this with the fact that Maryland lacrosse is 1-2 in the ACC, the Wizards are in the shit-crapper, and the Redskins just signed Cris Carter and Michael Irvin (they’re so good on TV!) to be Donovan McNabb’s top receiving tandem, and it hasn’t been a great sports run for me recently. This is the part where I say “at least I have my health,” or “life is more than sports,” or whatever. Bottom line: I think I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing markers.

(Photo credit: Tar Heel Mania)

Tagged with: Basketball • fu*k Duke • March Madness

Maryland, Duke Play For Big Old Bag of ACC Marbles

On March 2, 2010, In Maryland sports, By Scott

Check out my latest column for Bleacher Report, which breaks down the Maryland-Duke game’s ACC championship and — more importantly, or at least more practically — player of the year implications.

Tagged with: Basketball • fu*k Duke • Shameless self-promotion

women’s lacrosse preview: the bold and the beautiful

On February 26, 2010, In Maryland sports, By Ian

Don't let her pleasant demeanor fool you. Catilyn McFadden is a killer.

The Maryland women’s lacrosse team started this year in the same place they finished last year – second in the nation. Dreams of a perfect 2009 season ended with an 8-7 loss in the semifinals of the NCAA Tournament to conference rival North Carolina. Despite the loss, many felt that Maryland was the best team in the country last year.

Revenge is a dish best served cold, and the Terps have started The Quest for Perfection II by cold cocking Richmond 17-7 and #18 Penn State 17-9. With #5 Duke coming to town Saturday, I figure this is as good a time as any to take a closer look at the ladies. To the facts.

Fact: Midfielder Catilyn McFadden is awesome. She has scored a point in each of her last twenty-seven games, including SIX against Penn State. She was National Midfielder of the Year and ACC Player of the Year in 2009. She is Lacrosse Magazine’s Preseason Player of the Year. Look at her. She is obviously a cold blooded killer.
Fact: The Terps are coached by Maryland Class of ‘98 alum and Ellicott City native Cathy Reese. Reese is simply a winner. Between her playing days at Maryland and coaching days at Maryland, Reese has tallied seven National Championships. That means she’s either played or coached on seven of the last sixteen National Championship teams. She was named National Coach of the year in 2006. Reese is the face of the program, and Maryland is lucky to have her.
Fact: The defense is tight. The defense is keyed by 2009 third team All-American Karissa Taylor. Under Taylor’s leadership, the defense surrendered less than 10 goals/gm in 2009. To put that into relative terms, that would be like a basketball team that gives-up less than 50 pts/gm. Defense wins championships. I’m just sayin’.
Fact: Maryland beat Duke twice in 2009. Fuck Duke.
Fact: The ladies lacrosse team has thrown down the gauntlet in challenging the field hockey team for hottest athletes on campus. SG will have more on that breaking story as it unfolds.
Fact: The midfield includes the Thunder from Down Under, Australian Sarah Mollison. Think of Sarah as the Robin to McFadden’s Batman. She was a second team All-American midfielder in 2009 with 39 assists, many of which came on McFadden goals. She’s the point guard of the Terps attack, and conventional wisdom is that teams need a solid point guard to win in the tournament. What sport are we talking about again?
Fact: Sophomore goalie Brittany Dipper is not a freshman anymore. She was great as a freshman. Look for her to be outstanding as a sophomore. The Little Dipper will go Big in 2010.

Bonus facts from UMTerps.com:

The Terps have been invited to the NCAA Tournament a total of 25 times which is more than any other team in the country. Virginia, which is second, made its 22nd appearance in the postseason in 2009.
Maryland has played the most games in the tournament (54) and has the most wins with a 39-16 record.
The Terps have won nine NCAA Championships which is four more than the second place team. Northwestern has won its first five national titles the last five seasons while Princeton and Virginia also have three to their names.
Maryland has won the most overtime games in the NCAA Tournament with a 6-0 record.
Maryland has the longest winning streak in NCAA Tournament history with 21 consecutive victories from 1995-2002 and have appeared in 16 title games, more than any other school.
Heading into the 2010 season, Maryland has more wins than any other program in the country, totaling in at 516 and also boast the top winning percentage (.806).

Bold Prediction: Once again, I’m going out on a limb and risking all my credibility in the world of lacrosse journalism by predicting that the Maryland Women’s Lacrosse team will win it all in 2010. I’m going to make it even bolder by saying they will not lose a game. Try and top that boldness. You can’t. Combined with the team itself, it’s bold and beautiful.

Tagged with: Brittany Dipper • Cathy Reese • Catilyn McFadden • fu*k Duke • Karissa Taylor • Lacrosse • Sarah Mollison

A Maryland-Duke Basketball Recap in Ten Easily Digestible Bullet Points

On February 13, 2010, In Maryland sports, By Scott

Another big game for Maryland, another chance for an indisputable resume builder, another letdown. This time it was a 77-56 loss to no. 8 Duke at Cameron Indoor Stadium. Some points:

Hey, look at it this way. Last year the Terps lost by 41 in Cameron. So does that mean they’re twice as good this year? I say yes. I don’t have much.
Sure, Duke played well. But make no mistake: Maryland had the capacity to win this game and just lost it.
The Vasquez line: 17 points on 7-12 shooting, 7 boards, 4 assists, 3 turnovers, 4 fouls. Not bad, until you consider that 14 of those points came (a) when the team was down by at least 20, or (b) during one all-too-familiar, too-little, too-late mini-run midway through the second half that chopped Duke’s lead to a razor-thin margin of 10. In other words, when the game was actually “competitive,” he had 3 points. A-Rod lives.
But let me not lay all this at Vasquez’s feet. Jordan Williams reminded me today that he is, indeed, still a freshman. He finished with a decent 6 points and 7 boards, but let Duke’s frontcourt run wild, especially Brian Zoubek, whose 16 and 17 were ever so slightly above his season average of 6 and 5. Tough game for Jordan, but he’ll be back.
Speaking of coming back, Dino Gregory, you can’t see me right now, because you’re unconscious, but I’ve got one paddle on the A and one paddle on the N. Clear! Seriously, three points on 0-3 shooting and three rebounds, plus some very shaky defense, is not what you want to see. Someone please find this man some confidence.
Maryland turnovers: 14. Duke turnovers: 7.
I’ve already touched on Vasquez, but the other seniors weren’t helping. Eric Hayes’ Cameron woes continued with 8 points (2 in second half), 3 assists, and 4 TOs, while Landon Milbourne chipped in a dismal two points on 1-6 shooting and three boards…his worst game of the season in the biggest game of the season. I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again: what good is senior leadership if they don’t lead when they are needed the most?
Maryland played with no urgency. Is it possible to look past Duke?
Maryland is a bunch of stupid cornswaggling mugglefragging yellow belly underacheiving underperforming chokers. How’s that for hardcore analysis. I’m sick of going out to watch Duke games and rooting for Maryland, year after year, only to face the inevitable walk of shame through a little pocket of smirking Duke fans who always find a way to position themselves between me and the exits. VOMMMMITTTT.
This isn’t a season killer, and with Virginia et al on the horizon we have other things to focus on now. But still. After this, it feels like the best-case scenario is another humble second-round exit. You can’t just beat Longwood 100 times and wonder why you’re not an elite team. Eventually, you have to show up in the big spots or you’re just another dog sitting on the porch, watching.

Tagged with: Basketball • Dino Gregory • Eric Hayes • fu*k Duke • Jordan Williams • Vasquez

A Maryland-Duke Basketball Preview from ESPN Analyst Dick Vitale

On February 12, 2010, In Maryland sports, By Scott

Hey, lemme tell ya somethin right now, I wanna thank Shell Games for givin me this opportunityyy, bloggin about the biggest matchup thus far — yesss, the biggest matchup thus far — in 2009-2010 ACC play. First place in the conference on the line, and let me tell you, they are gonna be rockin — AB-SO-LUTE-LY rockin — down there in Cameron Indoor Stadium, hey, for me it’s like taking the waters at Lourdes! I love them so much it almost makes me cry, baby!!!

No question about it, this game is going to be difficult, a flat-out Gordian knot, for both of these teams. But at the same time, this is a pretty easy one to handicap. For Duke, it begins and ends with their three guards: Jon Scheyer, Kyle Singler, and Nolan Smith, or as I call them, Super, Scintillating, and Sensational. Or at least that’s what I used to call them, until people started getting annoyed.

So now I call them the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Although now that I think about it, Mike Shishefski is really the Father, so hey, two Gods, baby, I just invented a new religion! Dookieism! And I’m the first high priest! Hey, you think they’ll let me into their locker room now heh heh heh just kidding I already get in there, hey, I’m goin through their lockers baby it’s me it’s Dickie V, I’m gonna use your underarm deodorant!!

Jon Scheyer is the Father out there because he’s the floor leader. Flat-out fearless. Kyle Singler is the son because he’s still young, but his gifts for this team — and for all mankind — are just so special. Such a special talent. And finally, Nolan Smith is the holy spirit because he’s the one I know the least about. I’ll just say he’s the glue of this Blue Devil backcourt, hey, he’s the leading Duke guard for rebanding, plus he’s the main slasher of the group.

But here’s the thing: in order to have a good chance to win, at least two members of the Holy Trinity will need to be hitting around 50 percent from the land of trifectors. If they can’t hit the trifector, their odds of winning go down. In the absolutely heartbreaking loss to N.C. State, the Trinity only hit 5-13 on trifectors. In a loss to Georgetown, they went 8-25. But in their W over North Carolina, they went 9-17.

The Trinity scores 53.5 of Duke’s 80.7 points per game. The next leading scorer behind them is Miles Plumlee with 6.3. You shut down the Trinity, especially on the trifector, you shut down the Blue Devils.

But hey, easier said than done, especially for these Terrapins, baby. They’re third in the conference in the ACC in field goal percentage defense, but eighth in defending the trifector. Yes, they will need a balanced defensive effort on the outside, more than just running out to the shooter and yelling “don’t miss.” Hey, maybe use smaller lineups at times, maybe involve Landon Milbourne on the perimeter. But they can’t wander too far from the hoop, as Duke ranks tops in the conference in rebands. Wanna talk about rebands? Let’s talk about rebanding the basketball. That’s where Diaper Dandy Jordan Williams, in his first game at Cameron, along with Dino Gregory and others will be crucial — even with Duke forward Lance Thomas and his five rebands per game doubtful with a knee injury — in preventing Duke’s frontcourt from playing the role of ball retriever for the Holy Trinity.

And yes, Mr. Vasquez will need to be his usual scintillating self. He can have a million great games against the bottom feeders, but until he shows up in a winnable game like this, he’ll have a hard time shedding the tag the A-Rod of the ACC, much less overtaking Mr. Scheyer for ACC player of the year.

But perhaps another Terp will be even more crucial tomorrow. Some stat comparisons show that Eric Hayes, yes the steady point guard for Maryland, has really struggled at Cameron Indoor. We’ll see if Mr. Hayes, and Mr. Vasquez, and Mr. Mosely, and Mr. Milbourne, and Mr. Williams show up to play. If they do, I think they can walk out of Durham with a signature W. That’s right, I’m picking Maryland to down the Dookies tomorrow in Cameron, hey what’s happening to me baby? Coach K! Hey! Coach K! I’m still your number one high preist right baby?

Prediction: Maryland 81, Duke 69

Tagged with: Basketball • Eric Hayes • fu*k Duke • Special guest bloggers

Why Does Duke Always Have At Least One Player Who Looks Like Boo Radley?

On February 11, 2010, In Maryland sports, By Scott

As the Terps prepare for Saturday’s trip to Cameron Indoor, it bears mentioning (again) that Duke leads the ACC in pastiness and stealing scuppernongs by the light of the Southern moon. Submitted for your consideration:

robert-duvall-as-boo-radley-1

985

0101003P BOBBY HURLEY

jaybilasisveryserious

Tagged with: Basketball • fu*k Duke

Does Duke Really Have a Player Named Miles Plumlee?

On February 10, 2010, In Maryland sports, By Scott

Ah, my Internet returns. I’m a whole person again.

So back to the posts. As you know, tonight’s Maryland-UVA game has been postponed to next Monday, Feb. 15 due to the Snowtorious B.I.G. snowstorm that has subsnowed the entire Washington region in a mountain of snow. Or as I like to call it, the white stuff.

There has been some handwringing over why the decision was made (UVA had already driven up), and the fact that this now means the Terps will play three games in six days, with a trip to N.C. State still set for the 17th. Personally, I don’t see a ton of better choices here given university conditions and visitor safety, and am not one to assume the university is incompetent at everything it does. Bottom line: it’s Mother Nature. As Tony Soprano once said to that one guy, what are you gonna do, heh? What are you gonna do.

So let’s look on the bright side here: we now have four full days to make fun of Duke!

This year, it all starts with sophomore reserve center Miles Plumlee. This Fort Wayne, Ind., product is the son of proud parents Leslie Plumlee and Perky Plumlee. Perky is the father. You can’t make this stuff up. When they’re not playing basketball — or, as Perky calls it, horseless polo — the Plumlees enjoy snickering at poor people from afar and scuttling plans to hold benefit concerts to save soda fountains from good, honest condominium developers. As it happens, SG was able to acquire a transcript of Plumlee’s first recruiting call with Duke.

(Ring ring!)

Miles: (looks at ringing telephone on table beside him) Beauregard! Telephone!

Beauregard: Coming, sir! Plumlee residence.

Miles: Beauregard!

B: (Covers phone receiver) Dreadfully sorry, sir. (Back into phone) Plumlee estate. Certainly, sir. One moment. Miles, a call for you.

Miles: As you were, Beau. (Into phone.) You’ve got Miles.

Coach K: Miles, hello, it’s Mike Shishefski.

Miles: Ah, the American Express spokesperson! I simply adore your black card, sir, simply adore it. Why, just the other day, we were in Santorini, plotting a bit of a sail, as it were, and they tried to give us a 40-foot yacht. And Costas was all like, “its-a all-a we have!” or whatever. But then Perky took out his black card and said “we’ll just see about that, old boy! Now get me your manager on the phone!” Ahhh, were that our family photographer had been on the scene to capture the old man’s face! It was like we had stolen his olive oil.

K: That’s a wonderful story, Miles. And some day soon, I want to hear how it ends. But I’m actually not calling today on behalf of American Express, the card that offers you a world of possibilities. I’m calling to recruit you to play basketball here at Duke University.

M: Duke? Why, I’m flattered, sir.

K: We think you would really fit in well here. You’ve got size, you’re articulate, and you just finished destroying the Fort Wayne area private Christian school league. Let me tell you, Miles, that is no mean feat.

M: Greensboro Day was particularly thorny.

K: That they were, son. You showed real leadership in that game. And of course, you’ve got this great, WASP-y, white-bread pedigree thing going on that is so central to the Blue Devil tradition.

M: But I thought Charles Buffington III was scheduled to fill your patrician quota.

K: Unfortunately, Charles tore his ACL trying to kick a forlorn dog out of his ski chalet on a recent trip to the Alps.

M: Sorry to hear that. Tough break, C-Buffs.

K: So you see, you’re my last best hope here, Miles. Think about all the great line of Plumlee forebearers who would be so tickled at the irony of seeing you study for free in the practice of a common man’s pursuit.

M: You make a good point. Very well, sir! I shall call Swensen and book a flight to your campus post-haste.

K: That’s wonderful.

M: But on one condition.

K: Name it.

M: Beauregard must come and play on the team with me.

K: I’m afraid he might be past his eligibility window.

M: I must have him! I must have Beauregard!

K: How about your brother Mason?

M: He’s a bit Lurchy for my tastes, but then again he does keep his room rather tidy. Sir, you have a deal!

K: I’ll alert the airfield to your arrival.

(Photo credit: GoDuke.com)

Tagged with: Basketball • Charles Buffington III • fu*k Duke • Miles Plumlee

Maryland ranked fifth in preseason ACC poll

On October 26, 2009, In Maryland sports, By Scott

So Maryland is ranked fifth in the official ACC preseason poll. Seems a little low. Duke is picked to finish first. Seems a little high.

Clemson was picked third. I would complain that this seems high, but since they’ve beaten the Terps six out the last eight times they’ve played, I’ll just keep my mouth shut.

In the same announcement, Vasquez was picked second in the running for ACC Player of the Year. Seems about right. Duke’s Kyle Singler was picked first. Seems a little high. Although I most definitely have him number one in my preseason Player Who Most Looks Like Boo Radley Award. So he’s got that going for him. I hear the trophy is carved out of soap.

Tagged with: Basketball • Clemson • fu*k Duke • Vasquez

Maryland football team loses to Duke, hits rock bottom, sucks

On October 24, 2009, In Maryland sports, By Scott

858069c2cd0df138b88e018160fa776fd9a717cacb40e9d6e7db0ea94104409abd58447d982fb600dcc70e9f7bfe5604dbbe0ff1219acd66

I want to congratulate the Maryand football team, with every sarcastic fiber in my being, for losing to Duke 17-13 today. That’s the same Duke team that hasn’t made a bowl game since 1994. The same Duke team that, between the 1999 season and this very game, has gone 19-101. Seriously.

Not to go over the cliff too much, but I think it’s safe to say we’re currently the worst-performing team in the ACC.

There’s no single remedy for Maryland. We won the turnover battle 4-3 (yay, only three turnovers!) but couldn’t capitalize. Didn’t score a TD until late in the third quarter, and it was our only one. 67 total rush yards, 182 pass yards to Duke’s 23 and 371. At least we stopped their running game. Not that that was a “key to victory” or anything. It’s like saying we stopped a cat from barking.

Questionable coaching calls everywhere. Another too-little, too-late, stat-padding comeback attempt. The Terps actually ended this one themselves by coughing it up twice in the final five minutes. Torrey Smith caught a grand total of two balls for 13 yards. 38% third down conversion rate. What else do you need to know? Thanks to good old ESPN360, I didn’t actually watch the game. But judging by the various updates and discussion boards, that is a good thing. Thanks, ESPN360! I never thought your evil would pay dividends.

Oh, were you thinking Duke is up this year? Bzzzzt. No they’re not. They’re still Duke. Duke sucks. Fu*k Duke. If they make a bowl game then I’m Shirley Chisholm.

As for Maryland, I’m just searching for a phrase right now. What’s the phrase I’m looking for…noodle dicks? No, that’s too mean. I wouldn’t want to call these guys noodle dicks in a forum that is at least technically public. If I were to call them noodle dicks, which they are, that would be an insult to The Kids. You gotta respect The Kids. Especially the kind of kids that bench 250 and run 4.5 forties.

Oh, wait, I’ve got the phrase now. Losers.

It’s nice down here with us losers, isn’t it? Sometimes, they drop a bucket of fish heads on us. That’s when we party!

At 2-6, the absolute best-case scenario is a 6-6, .500 finish. Raise your hand if you think they can do that. If you have your hand raised, please keep it up while I come around and collect your wallets. After all, I have a bridge I need to sell you. I’m going to assume you’re interested and just take your money. Your raised arms enhance the convenience of my doing so.

The best thing we can do is just move on as a people. Loitering only contaminates the crime scene. Let’s do the decent American thing and just pretend the rest of the season isn’t happening. Deal? Deal.

Tagged with: Bad Losses • ESPN360 • Football • fu*k Duke • Ralph Friedgen • The Media • Torrey Smith