Kyle Singler is so ugly that when he cries, the tears turn around and go down the back of his head.

Duke is coming to Comcast Center this evening to renew a rivalry that has been on ice for a few years.  Although the Terps have played the Blue Devils tight through the lean times of the Gilchrist and Caner-Medley Years, there has been a sense that this was not an even match-up for a long while.  Now, the Dukies are so swollen with pride that they claim that Maryland is not their rival.  In fact, this “non-rivalry” is so heated that fans from both sides of the aisle have contested the existence of it with competing edits to the Wikipedia entry on the rivalry.

Tonight, the rivalry is rekindled because there are high stakes involved.  There are implications bigger than one win or loss.  There is more than just pride on the line.  There’s an ACC regular season title at stake.  There is an implication that the winner of this game is the team to beat in the ACC Tournament.  There are tangible rankings, votes, and NCAA Tournament seedings on the line.  There’s bragging rights on the line.  There’s confidence on the line.

The Terps have rattled off five straight wins since their 2/13 loss at Duke.  Maryland has shaken off the stigma of a few early season losses and disrespect in the press to put itself in a position to win the conference.  They’ve shed their pride and just played harder than the rest, and that’s been the difference between mediocrity and success.

In a high stakes game, winning and losing is determined by who blinks first.  Maryland didn’t blink in a last second win against Georgia Tech.  They didn’t blink in 2OT’s against Virginia Tech.  They’re not going to blink against Duke.

Unlike the last go around, the Terps will be hosting the Blue Devils.  During the 2/13 game at Cameron Indoor,  Duke jumped all over Maryland, and it was over as soon as it began.  Maryland couldn’t get over its mistakes and the momentum was too much to overcome.

The Terps are a much better home team than a road team, and Duke will be stripped of its home court advantage.  At Comcast Center, Brian Cro-magnon Zoubek won’t get away with a half dozen over the back fouls.  John Schyer won’t be able to use his left arm to push off without hearing the whistle.  The Cameron Crazies will be watching this game on TV.  Duke is going to have to come into the shell and fight.

At home, on senior night, with everything at stake, Maryland will have the juice to pull it out.  They’ll do it on the back of Greivis Vasquez, a guy that is playing above his head right now.  He’s going to outplay Jon Schyer and show everyone why he’s the ACC Player of the Year.  Schyer vs. Vasquez is the key match-up, and nobody is playing better than Greivis Vasquez right now.  Add to that the fact that Mosley and Hayes have awoken from the slumber they were in during the 2/13 game, and this contest should be a much closer affair than it was three weeks ago.

The Terps are a 1.5PT homedog, and Vegas Sports-Odds feels strongly enough about the Terps that they wrote a feature on why it’s a good idea to put money on them.  My prediction: Maryland wins 74-73.

Congratulations to Greivis Vasquez, Landon Milbourne, and Eric Hayes on your great college careers.  Go Terps.

(NOTE: We’re going to post on the three seniors this week in the run-up to Senior Night — and the Duke game — this Wednesday. As they say on Iron Chef, please enjoy.)

Ah, Landon Milbourne. The Quiet One. If you are not a close follower of Maryland basketball, there’s a good chance you’ve never heard of him. The classic line about Landon Milbourne is that you think he hasn’t done anything in the game, then you read the stat line later and it says he got 18 points and 9 rebounds, often with a couple of blocks thrown in for good measure.  That’s Milbourne in a nutshell.  How many Maryland wins would have gone the other way without one of his consistent, solid performances?  That number might surprise you. Just like all his other stats.

Of course, Landon’s stats have gone up each year, from 1 point and 1 rebound in five minutes per game as a freshman, to 8 and 4 in 25 as a sophomore, 11 and 5 in 29 as a junior, and 13 and 5 in 30 in his senior campaign. This kind of progression is natural to a point, but it undersells the fact that Milbourne not only got more stats each year, but also improved each year.  His shooting percentage went from 36 to 44 to 50 to 51.  And yes, he really is shooting 51 percent this year.  That’s what I’m talking about…a classic Milbourne stat you never would have guessed if you hadn’t seen the numbers.

His breakout game came in February 2008 against Georgia Tech, when in front of dozens of friends and family, Milbourne (a Georgia native) scored 16 points to lead his team to a win. The 2007-2008 team was a transitional one for Maryland, still hungover from the forgettable Caner Medley/Mike Jones years and waiting while the new garde — Greivis Vasquez and Eric Hayes among them — were still a trifle green and waiting for the time when it would be their team. This game helped catapult that whole class into the forefront of people’s minds.

This article not only encapsulates that game, but chronicles how Milbourne got his chances — by earning them.  By listening to the coach, working on his game, and doing what was needed.  That would later include playing out of position for his entire junior season, and essentially continuing to play out of position (he plays more at four but seems like more of a three) today. He gets pushed around sometimes down there, but responds by not complaining and draining 10-footers.  There are worse things.

As he gained steam, people started waiting for him to make a difference through his athleticism, but he only did so in flashes. In that way, he reminds me of Terrence Morris. Every now and then, both guys would make “did you see THAT?!?” kind of play. But it was only in flashes.  Normally, both went about their business almost as if they wished to be unobtrusive. A jumper here, a rebound there, blocked shot now, free throws later.  But then, occasionally, a freaky deaky YouTube dunk would be unleashed on somebody’s poor unsuspecting dome (see below).

But of course, Milbourne’s more typical contributions aren’t the ones that wind up on posters…even if he is blessed with the ability to make it happen. Perhaps that’s why he is now considered a legit, if not a lock, prospect for the NBA. He will apparently need to impress some people at the predraft camps to really have a shot, but the door is open.

The guy once known mainly for bearing an uncanny resemblance to D.J. Strawberry is now, arguably, the second-best player on a team that looks poised to make serious waves in the postseason. Vasquez is getting all the glory now, and that’s great, but I don’t think this team gets where it is now if not for The Quiet One. Thanks, Landon. I enjoyed watching you play.

• Vasquez (23), Milbourne (18), Williams (14), and Hayes (12) had 67 of the Terps 71 points.  The rest of the team was 0-10 from the field for 4 PTS.  This was the second game in a row where the bench was nonexistent.  Luckily, Florida State performed a similar disappearing act.  The Noles got 58 points out of four players and nine out of the rest.  On Thursday night, Maryland’s best four outperformed Florida State’s best four.
• At the start of the game Florida State was able to dictate the pace, turning the game into a helter skelter track meet and trapping the Terps into turnovers.  Maryland managed just 25 points by half time, but they were still only down four points.  At halftime, Gary Williams made the adjustments necessary to get the Terps into their set offense, and the team rattled off seven unanswered points right away to take a four point lead.  As is often the case, Gary Williams out-coached his opponent.
• From there, the Terps were able to maintain a lead for most of the second half, until the very end of the game when Jordan Williams had to start sitting due to foul trouble.  The Seminoles tied the game with three minutes left, and suddenly, the crowd was back in it.  Who was going to step up?  Dino Gregory,that’s who!  That’s right, Dino freaking Gregory comes out of nowhere, takes a charge, and Vasquez sinks a couple of FT’s to preserve the lead.  Dino was an unlikely hero after he was largely absent for most of the game, but that key play enabled the Terps to win the game.  Overall, the game was that close.  It could have gone either way.  Kudos to Dino for shaking off the rust and making a big stop.
• I love me some Greivis.  Just when the haters started screaming at their TV’s and secretly hoping Greivis would blow it, Vasquez turns it on with a running jumper and forces a couple of fouls to keep the scoring going.  His final line – 23 PTS /7 RB/7 AST – was pretty close to a triple-double.  You may howl over his five turnovers but most of them came off of some tight traps, and he was better than a 1/1 AST/TO ratio on the night, so that’s a good line.  I love how he incited the crowd from the opening tip.  He thrives on the hate, so keep hating bitches.  GREAT JOB GREIVIS!  M-V-P!  M-V-P!
• It was a nice night for Milbourne.  He was, once again, Steady Eddie when the rest of the team started crapping themselves.  18 PTS and 6 RB (including 4 huge ORB) doesn’t tell the story of how he continually stepped up on both sides of the ball.  He’s the yin to Grevis’s yang.  Landon is such a tweener that I didn’t think that he had a lot of pro upside coming into this season, but the more of these clutch ACC games he has, the more looks he’s going to get from teams that have a need at the small forward position.  That is how well Milbourne is playing right now.
• I’ve said before that Jordan Williams is the missing piece to the Terps puzzle for success, and this game just proved the point.  With Williams (14 PTS, 7/11 FG, 6 RB, 2 blocks) in the game, Maryland looked confident in their sets, and they were able to work the ball inside out against a couple of big dudes from Florida State.  Without him, the front court looked small and disorganized.  How high is Williams’s upside?  I the Terps will be his show by next season.  Reports are that he is a humble hard worker that likes to learn.  If he can continue to learn and hit the gym to chisel that big frame, I can see Williams becoming a first round NBA draft pick in a few years.

It wasn’t pretty, but a win is a win is a win is a win.  The team turned it around in the second half and started shooting the ball very well.  That should bode well for this Sunday’s game against UNC.

Ugggh. Must. Purge. Game. From. Body. Please pass the ipecac, leeches, portable sauna, and electroshock nodes. After Maryland lost to Clemson 62-53 in one of the sloppiest games in recent memory, I need a reset. To the points:

1. Maryland played excellent team defense on Trevor Booker (10 points on 2-16 shooting). Too bad, though, that the focus on Booker meant Jerai Grant was wide open and free to score a career-high 18 points, many of which came on dunks.
2. By and large, Maryland’s strategy of collapsing in the middle and making a Demontez Stitt-less Clemson team beat them from the perimeter was effective. After all, they did hold the Tigers to 62 points, including 22 percent shooting beyond the arc. It’s just unfortunate that Maryland only managed 53 points and 20 percent shooting from three. Kind of a slight problem there.
3. This was the sloppiest game of Maryland’s season. Twenty-six turnovers, 22 fouls. What’s the holdup on the ipecac?!?!
4. Clemson repeatedly — repeatedly — shredded Maryland’s press, which I suppose coach Williams decided to use because Stitt was out. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: I do not like the press.
5. I have a question. What good is a “veteran presence” and “senior leadership” if it goes away in big spots? Landon Milbourne (3 points, 5 rebounds) gets something of a pass because he’s not really a natural post player and struggles against physical bigs like Booker and Grant. Eric Hayes (11 pts on 4-7 shooting, 2 assts, 5 turnovers, 4 fouls) and Mr. Greivis Vasquez (10 pts on 3-11 shooting, 2 assts, 3 rebs, 4 fouls, NINE turnovers) have no such excuse.
6. The That-Sums-It-All-Up Play of the game came at about the 14-minute mark in the second half. With Tanner Smith in his shorts (and credit where it’s due: Smith did a great job on Vasquez all evening), Vasquez tries a completely unnecessary behind-the-back dribble, which skitters off his foot and rolls toward the out-of-bounds line. Smith, who was hustling, dives toward the ball. Vasquez decides that simply falling on Smith is the best way to make something happen. Third personal foul.
7. Which brings me to today’s rant. There’s a good Vasquez and a bad Vasquez. A Gollum and a Smeagol, if you will. And last night we had a big-time Gollum sighting. Vasquez has had a great season, no question. And sure, a guy who gets 15 points, 5 boards, and 6 assists per game is valuable. But again, how valuable is it really if it evaporates when the pressure is on? When he wasn’t sitting on the bench with foul trouble, how many times last night did Vasquez drive into the lane, leap into the air, and lob a wrap-around pass out of bounds? How many times did he (and Hayes) dribble directly into the teeth of the Clemson press? Where was the Vasquez Shimmy last night? This all clearly had a trickle-down effect for his teammates; Adrian Bowie and Dino Gregory, in particular, were basket cases out there. Don’t you think they could have benefited from some of that Vasquez fearlessness? Or does that fearlessness only exist against the Miamis and Boston Colleges of the world? Bottom line: Vasquez has some decidedly A-Roddian tendencies. If Maryland is up 15, he’s raining threes and shimmying around like he’s in a Rihanna video. And don’t talk to me about North Carolina last year…great game, but they were the underdogs. Thus, no pressure. If Maryland is going to fulfill its potential, which is considerable, Vasquez needs to put the cape on and deliver when his team needs him the most. Isn’t that what being a senior leader and All-ACC candidate is all about?
8. Obviously, every game is important, and blah blah blah, but this one was a particularly good barometer for how this Maryland team will perform against legit opponents. Because of their tendency to get overwound in big games like this one, I believe there’s a ceiling on what this group can do.
9. Enough bad stuff. Hey, what about Jordan Williams? A career game for the ever-improving freshman. In addition to some outstanding defense on Booker, he got 13 points and 13 rebounds, including some authoritative finishes at the rim.
10. We’ll see if Maryland can get back on the horse this Thursday in Tallahassee against a Florida State team that would love to even the season series with the Terps.

There is a growing opinion (mainly among myself) that the full-court press in general — and Maryland’s in particular — is becoming a bit of a relic.  Following its Kentucky and UNLV heyday in the mid 80s to early 90s, the number of teams heavily using the traditional full-court trap seems to have greatly diminished. This is perhaps due in no small part to an increase in early college departures and the NCAA’s 1991 decision to reduce scholarships from 15 to 13.  These changes mean teams can no longer simply overwhelm opponents with superior depth and athleticism. It may also have to do with the fact that the press is, frankly, pretty easy to solve. Just don’t panic, keep the ball moving, and throw over your defenders for an easy bucket when the opportunity inevitably presents itself.

That trend changed for the Terps on Tuesday against Miami.  Maryland pressed them into 14 turnovers in the first half, and breakaway layups and and-ones were a regular occurrence for the Terps. After building a 17-point lead, Gary Williams called off the dogs in the second half, and Miami committed only three additional turnovers the rest of the way.

But it was probably more a blip than anything else.  Miami’s  main ballhandler is a freshman and all but one of their guards are underclassmen. They’re greener than a bin of alfalfa sprouts, and crumple just about as quickly under pressure. (Zing!)  The larger trend is that of the press getting kind of sort of absolutely shredded. For example, the Cincinnati loss turned into a jailbreak, with Maryland giving up 12 fast-break points to score 16 while sacrificing valuable help defense.  Even William and Mary — up this year, sure, but still no Kentucky — solved it to the tune of six three-pointers on 50 percent shooting before the Terps retreated to the zone after halftime.

Now take the recent 88-64 blowout of N.C. State, in which Maryland pressed very little and emerged with decisive advantages in fast-break points (10-2) and turnovers (11-9), all while holding N.C. State 18 points below its scoring average from the previous three games.

Which brings us to Sunday’s big showdown with Clemson.  It will be extremely interesting to see what Maryland does given that Tigers point guard Demontez Stitt has a gimpy ankle.  Here’s hoping they ”repress,” if you will, their full-court urges. Pressure defense is and should remain a Maryland signature, but the all-out full-court press seems like more of a situational play at this point. Is it a coincidence that several recent games, featuring a more judicious use of the press, have heralded no less than a full defensive turnaround?  With cagey (and decidedly long-limbed) veterans Greivis Vasquez and Landon Milbourne committing fully to defense, Sean Mosely become a stone-cold defensive stopper, a tougher and scrappier inside presence led by Jordan Williams and Dino Gregory, and some booster fuel off the bench in the form of Adrian Bowie (we’ll see if it sticks), this team doesn’t need to resort to gimmicks.

• Landon Milbourne is a stud.  He was 7/10 from the field and finished with 16PTS and 5RB against a tough, physical Miami front court.  The Brothers Barry were talking him up like he was NBA material toward the end of the game.
• Speaking of the Brothers Barry, is it really appropriate to have them both announcing the same game?  Their banter sounded like dinner conversation at some lame family gathering. ”Interesting point John, would you please pass the dinner rolls?”   They actually went so far as to trot out family pictures.  At one point, Drew Barry compared Greivis to Larry Bird.  I love Greivis and all, but come on, couldn’t ESPNU get a couple of pros to do this game?
• This game was the best game of Jordan Williams’s short career.  8PTS and 6RB might not sound like a sexy stat line, but he did it against Dawayne Collins, one of the bigger power forwards in the ACC.  Williams also succeeded in keeping Collins off the offensive glass, which was no small feat, and took him off his game to the point where he was in foul trouble and sat for 16 minutes.  Williams is starting to look like the missing piece that completes Maryland’s puzzle as a legitimate contender.
• Dawayne Collins is a big dude but he’s slow.  He needs to learn how to get his body under control, and he needs to learn that you can’t jump over the back of another player to get a rebound.  That’s an “over-the-back foul”.  It’s in the rulebook.  Look it up.
• To say that Miami is poorly coached is like saying that Baltimore has nasty strip clubs.  It’s blatantly obvious, but nobody knows what to do to improve it.  Miami spent the first half turning the ball over 14 times and leaving Maryland shooters wide open, and then they proceeded to do more of the same in the second half with no adjustments.  Frank Haith was seriously outclassed last night.
• Interesting point from the AP: “Combined with an 88-64 win over North Carolina State on Saturday, Maryland has recorded successive 20-point victories in the conference for the first time since February 2003.”  After last night’s game I was thinking that I couldn’t remember a time when we had back-to-back ACC blowouts like this.  Maybe that’s because my long term memory only goes back eight days.
• Maryland is suddenly an outside shooting threat.  Don’t tell anyone, but since the W&M game the Terps have been taking what the defense gives them.  Last night they were 7/15 (46%) from beyond the arc.  Keep playing zone, ACC opponents, please stay in that zone.
• The press seemed to work last night against an inferior opponent.  I don’t know if that’s a result of good coaching on Maryland’s part or bad coaching on Miami’s part, but it did work.  Don’t count on it against Clemson.
• It was a quiet 16 PTS and 9 AST for Greivis last night.  He did what he needed to do to win the game.  We only saw one Greivis Shimmy.  Only one behind the back pass.  I guess he’s saving his mojo for Sunday night.

Maryland has taken care of some crucial must win games before heading into the maelstrom that is the rest of the ACC schedule.  I feel great about where the team is right now.  The true test comes this Sunday at Littlejohn Coliseum.

There’s no denying the Terps are playing good ball right now. I don’t deny that. No denying it. Since ACC play began, they’ve won three of four, including over no. 18 Florida State and a dominating win at BC. As you know, Maryland’s only loss in this stretch was a gutsy and gut-wrenching overtime affair at Wake Forest that could have gone either way.

Following last night’s win over the Longwood Windshield Bugs — which set a new record for margin of victory at the Comcast Center — they face N.C. State and Miami before a big Jan. 31 test at Clemson. The Wolfpack, who will likely be 12-7 after facing Duke tonight, just upset FSU themselves and lost a squeaker to no. 24 Clemson (sound familiar?). At 15-4, Miami has a good record and some surprisingly good players (especially freshman Reggie Johnson), but hasn’t played a ranked opponent yet (they did beat Wake, however).

On paper, these games — both at home – are quite winnable, especially with Greivis Vasquez looking like the best player in the ACC (don’t bring that Jon Scheyer gobbledygook in here) and Eric Hayes (second in the ACC in three-point percentage), Landon Milbourne (just pencil him in for a 19 and 10) and Jordan Williams chipping in.

But here’s the inevitable rub. The Terps have a notorious tendency to contract a nasty little affliction known as Throw-Your-Jersey-on-the-Floor syndrome. Symptoms include obsessions with press clipping, loss of reasoning skills during games, and delusions of grandeur based on the premise that, because you have won three of your last four games, you are just a few commas and zeroes short of the Lakers.

Don’t believe me? Let’s take a stroll down Statistics Lane, shall we? It’s right here at the corner of Cold and Reality.  Last season, following a seven-game win streak, the Terps infamously threw up on themselves versus Morgan State (another symptom of Jersey-on-the-Floor syndrome). This ignited a self-destructive bacchanalia that included Gary Williams’ worst loss ever.  I’m no Jay Bilas, but I don’t believe that’s what you want to see. In 2008, they won seven of nine in ACC play before spitting the bit against Va. Tech (at home) and Miami, which touched off a stumble that ultimately netted them 13 shiny tickets to the NIT.  Back in 2005, they beat Duke twice, but lost to 16-16 Clemson three times, 16-14 Virginia Tech once, and 16-13 Miami once. NIT again. The Terps aren’t the only team to play up and down, but it’s pretty safe to say they’ve perfected the art of looking past certain opponents. They’re like the Picassos of underestimation.

Perhaps it won’t happen this time. N.C. State and Miami, while not juggernauts, may be dangerous enough to keep Maryland’s attention. All I know is, they won’t get caught in a trap game if they just watch where they’re going.  Wow, that was deep.

Woo! Awesome team victory tonight, as the Terps upset #18 Florida State 77-68. FSU remains oh for the Comcast Center after its sixth game there. To the points:

1. Game MVP: one Greivis Vasquez. Twenty-two points on 8-18 shooting, including some clutch shots down the stretch to quell an FSU rally. He also played brilliant defense, including some great helping D in the post. What a motor. This is the kind of game they tend to lose…a big lead evaporates and the team loses its composure. Vasquez didn’t let that happen tonight. I’m not exactly Vasquez Superfan 21 over here, but credit where it’s due: he was numero uno out there tonight.
2. The bigs did a solid job on FSU’s formidable front court. Jordan Williams and Landon Milbourne seemed quicker and more nimble than Solomon Alabi et al, and were able to get Alabi in early foul trouble. They do need to box out more consistently, though.
3. Clunky is not even the word for FSU’s offense. Seriously, do they have to start it up with a hand crank before every game? Is it powered by hamsters? If one of the bigs couldn’t get a layup, they kicked it out for three. If that didn’t work, they simply tossed the ball to the referee. By the end of the season, they’re gonna lead the nation in not dribbling. And that exhausts my cache of FSU’s-offense-stinks-related zingers.
4. Fiesty crowd at Comcast tonight. Terp fans seem to understand that (a) this team needs a home-court advantage, and (b) they need it every game — not just Duke and Carolina.
5. FSU commits a ton of turnovers (11th in ACC), and Maryland exploited that, forcing 12 turnovers and 17 fouls.  And it actually seemed like a lot more than that.
6. Props to Cliff Tucker, who provided the Terps with a serious booster shot in 16 minutes off the bench. He’s out of Gary’s doghouse for now. Has Adrian Bowie (no points in 11 minutes) taken his place in there, or did Gary simply view Bowie’s slash-it-up style as a bad fit against the Noles’ Redwood forest of a frontcourt? As always, only TIME…will tell.
7. The three starting guards (36 pts and 11 assists all together) did great jobs getting shots for themselves and others. FSU repeatedly fell for their pump fakes and step-backs, and they seemed committed to making the extra pass without getting gaudy abut it.
8. Speaking of passing, Maryland was excellent in moving the ball around the zone, although it occasionally crossed into hot-potato territory. They backslid into freelancing at times, but by and large they showed real patience and poise — very encouraging.
9. Gary shows again that he’s just better in underdog situations. (I also noticed he used the press pretty sparingly, which is good.)  Dear AP voters: please do not vote for Maryland.
10. Tucker and Sean Mosely put the clamps on 6′9″ Chris Singleton, who wasn’t a major factor while the outcome was still in question. I’m no Singleton expert, but “passionate” isn’t a word I’d use to describe his personality on the court.

The Terps now travel to Wake for a Tuesday night game. Will be interesting to see what their focus is like after this win and on short rest.  They don’t have the luxury of letting up.

(Photo credit: Alan P. Santos/DC Sports Box)

Respecto, por favor, por El Faux Hawk.

Maryland ate UNC Greensboro’s lunch, 97-63, to take a 9-4 record into ACC play. They play again Jan. 10 when Florida State comes to Comcast. To the abbreviated points:

1. Maryland’s starters: 6′4″ senior point guard, 6′6″ senior shooting guard, 6′4″ sophomore small forward, 6′7″ senior power forward, 6′10″ freshman center. UNC Greensboro starters: 6′2″ junior point guard, 6′2″ freshman shooting guard, 6′5″ senior small forward, 6′8″ sophomore power forward, 6′8″ freshman center. And this is to say nothing of the reserves. Yep. This was a mismatch.
2. Maryland was extremely strong in all phases: offense, defense, rebounding, transition, post play (Williams and Milbourne combined for 28 and 18). UNCG either gassed or gave up with about 15 minutes left.
3. Adrian Bowie had maybe his best game of the season (11 points in 27 minutes), but oddly it also threw a stark light on the ceiling of his game. If the junior is a one-dimensional slasher against UNCG, that’s all we can ever realistically expect.
4. Great to see the Terps bounce back, but UNCG was so inferior that it’s hard to project any part of this onto a meaningful game. Luckily, the wait for meaningfulness is not long.
5. Good to hear former Orioles play-by-play man Michael Reghi on the local airwaves again.

(Photo credit:  The Baltimore Sun)

Tiger Woods: The path to success…is not always easy.  The road to glory…not always paved.  To be a champion, you must always be at your best.   Every edge…matters.

And for me, that means Wheaties.  Whole grain…makes the difference.

BZZZZZZZZZZZZT.  (Theme song from “Caddyshack” playing.)

Tiger:  Ah, shit fuck.  Guys, can we cut?

Director: That’s a cut, people!

Tiger:  (looks more closely at number)  Hey, I gotta take this.  Can we get a five?

Director: That’s five, people!

Tiger:   Hey, baby.  Thanks for calling me back.  Hang on one second, let me put you on conference. 

(Presses buttons.  Boop BOOP boop.)

Okay, I think we’re all here now.  No, yeah, it’s great to talk to all of you, too.  Look, I just wanted to check in with you all really briefly.  About all the text messages and voice mails and sexual encounters and such.  Now, far be it from me to impugn your various professions.  I haven’t done a whole lot of research on this, but I feel safe in assuming that the cocktail waitressing, VIP nightlife services, adult film, reality television star, exotic dance, and prostitution industries all adhere to very strict codes of ethics.  Confidentiality is paramount…just like when you go to the doctor.  Right?  RIGHT?!!?! 

Okay, great then.  So from here on out, I just want to be sure you guys are deleting all those messages and stuff.  Cool?  Cool.  I think we’ll all be more comfortable moving forward under the confines of the honor system.  I knew I could count on you for discretion, Sugar Tits.  Oh, is Sugar Tits not on the call?  Well, if one of you could relay this to Sugar Tits, that’d be great.  Okay, gotta go.  See you all in Fiji in three weeks.  Yeah, I’ll send the clothing assignments later.  Thanks guys!  Bye…buh-bye.  Okay.  Bye now.

Oh, hi!    I didn’t see you there.  My name is Tiger Woods.  You know, when I’m not winning terrnaments on the golf course or being hopelessly in love with my wonderful wife Ee-lin, I’m actually a really big sports fan.  Lately I’ve been spending a lot of time in my home theater — it’s similar to one of your “man caves” — just watching games and things.  Just relaxing.  It was my idea.  But one of the teams that caught my eye was the Maryland Terrapins.  I understand they have a game tomorrow against the Eastern Kentucky Colonels (4:30 p.m., check local listings).  So I just wanted to stop in and break it down for you.

At first glance, it might seem like an easy win.  After all, it’s Eastern Kentucky!  But the simple and sad truth for Terp fans is, there is no such thing as a gimme putt.  Just ask Morgan State.  And Miami.  And American.  And Middle Tennesse State.  And Duke.  Oh wait, different sport.  But whatever, you see where I’m going.  And to make matters worse, Eastern Kentucky could actually be a tough matchup for the Terps.

The Colonels are currently 7-2 overall and their only losses are to Pittsburgh and Ohio Valley Conference leader Murray State.   In their wins, they have an average margin of victory of 16 points.  Why so dominant?  One reason and one reason only:  they put the ball in the hole.  They’re second in the OVC in field goal percentage.  But are you ready to have your mind blown, Sugar Tits?  They rank ninth in the ENTIRE COUNTRY in three-point percentage at 44.8 perecnt, and SECOND in all of Division I with 11 made threes per game.   Their top player is senior 6′6″ forward Josh Taylor, who has made 26 of 59 threes this year. He will be what we call a “tough cover” for Vasquez, Landon Milbourne, or whomever else the Terps might throw his way. Guards Justin Stommes and Papa Oppong are also dangerous, currently shooting 44 and 51 freaking percent from three, respectively.

This is all somewhat troubling since Maryland has had problems guarding the perimeter, preferring the run-out-there-and-yell-HEY-DON’T-MISS approach to a more demonstrably effective tactic like man-to-man defense, or not overplaying on the help side. Perhaps this is why Maryland currently ranks 11th in the ACC in three-point defense.

The Colonels also employ a 1-3-1 press. There’s the old saw about pressing teams not liking to be pressed, but that can go either way. And you know how this blog feels about the full-court press. It can be had.

While the EKU guards are tall — and you know I love tall — they only have one player over 6′7″. If Maryland plays its game, EKU shouldn’t have an answer for Milbourne, Jordan Williams, the triumphantly returning Dino Gregory, and all the others. It should be a Terps win. But it should be interesting, too.

And you know what? I’m rooting for Maryland. I know a guy from Maryland who’s really been helping me out lately.

Okay, I’m ready to keep filming!

Director: Ready to go people!

BZZZZZZZT. (“Caddyshack” theme playing)

Tiger: Oh, crap. It’s a text from Ee-lin. Oh God! She’s heading this way!

(He runs.)

Director: That’s lunch, people!

Prediction: EKU 69, Maryland 80