The Diamondback has the story. Ralph Friedgen is still the coach of your Maryland Terrapins.

The D-back may have gotten that scoop, but we got the ultra-scoop.  We’re the Maggie Moo’s of Ralph Friedgen news.  We’re the Better Batter, big daddy. With a Snickers mix-in. 

Ready?  Athletic Director Debbie Yow said they would make the decision “very fast.”  And so they did.  Here’s how it all went down yesterday…behind closed doors.

• Yow:    Greetings, Coach Friedgen. Thank you for coming in this morning.
• Friedgen:    How you doing, Debbie.
• Yow:  Please address me as Doctor Yow.
• Friedgen:  Sure, doc.  How ya doin, doc.
• Yow:   I’m fine, sir.   A little stiff, but fine.   Were you aware that if we fired you we would have to pay you four million dollars?
• Friedgen:   (Smiles.  He produces a beer from somewhere, cracks it open.  Takes long, satisfying swig.)  AHHHHHHHHHHHH.  MAN, is that good. Seriously though.  GOOD.  The first cold one of the offseason.  Does it get any better than that?  It’s like a little vacation in my hand.
• Yow:  So the buyout, then.
• Friedgen:   Oh, that.  Now that you mention it, yes, I believe I may recall seeing a mention of that somewhere.
• Yow:  The university’s not gonna cough it up.  And the boosters say they cannot collect that much.
• Friedgen:  (Wriggles hand down pants, takes another swig.)  Yeah, even for rich guys that’s a lot of money to piss away.  Can you imagine that?  You’re in the bathroom, trying to get your stream going, and you look down and see that it’s money coming out of your dong!  Oh, sorry about that, Deb.  It could be coming out of a verjayjay, too.  That’s totally cool with me.  Either way, though, liquid money!   And you want to put out your hand to catch it so it doesn’t go into the toilet, but it’s still pee, you know?  I’d imagine you’d just let it go.  It’s too gross to touch. 
• Yow:   Would you care to know what activities I partook of last weekend? I set up a donation pot and rang a handbell outside of a Safeway grocery story.  That is what I was reduced to.  All I could get was 17 dollars and 61 cents. Three million, eighty-six dollars and thirty-nine cents short. It’s like those grocery shoppers were carved out of stone.
• Friedgen: It’s tough around the holidays, Deb.
• Yow:  It’s the Salvation Army’s fault!  I kept telling the guy, “get your own territory!”   I kept leading him over to Mattress Discounters.  I thought all those indoor beds might mesmerize him.  But he kept finding his way back.   Surprising for a Salvation Army guy.  His apron was exceedingly shabby.
• Friedgen: (Cracks another beer, loosens belt.) We through here, Doc?
• Yow:  Yes. Just, you know, try to do better next year.
• Friedgen: (Stands up, salutes her.) Righty-o.  Because after 2010 it’s only a $2 million buyout, right?  (Shudders mockingly.)  Woooo!  I’m really on the hot seat now!  State employees are wiping their bee-hinds with leaves, and you’re gonna be Miss Football Accountability!  Or is it Mrs.?  Ms.?  I’ll just stick with Doc.  Keep it real, Doc!  Catch you at the “Terrapins Rising” preproduction meeting.  (Walks out, clicking heels and singing “Have a Holly, Jolly Christmas”)

There you have it.   In far less interesting news, The Diamondback is also reporting that his retention is contingent on him expanding some kind of improvement plan that he gave to Debbie Yow during their meeting yesterday.  The plan will reportedly cover scheme changes, possible staff changes, and a new “recruiting philosophy.”

But again, that tells only half the story. That new recruiting philosophy they mentioned? We have the text. Word for word!

Stick gun in the barrell, start shooting.

And now you know…the rest of the story.

(Photo Credit: The Redshirt Senior)