You know what, Nigel?

Nigel: What’s that, my liege?

Tony: I’m watching Hannah Storm on SportsCenter, and I’m having a reaction.

Nigel: Your enlightenment is cool water on a hot day, TK.

Tony:  Don’t get me wrong. I like Hannah and everything. I do. But she’s just so TAWDRY!  The way she wrinkles her nose just so at the men she’s interviewing. I saw her interview Marcellus Wiley once? She wrinkled her nose THIRTY-SEVEN TIMES!  Can you IMAGINE?!?!?

Nigel:  She’s like the Erin Andrews of sports.

Tony: I KNOW!!!!!! So she’s hosting SportsCenter this morning, and she’s doing her bit, okay. And she’s got on this Catholic school girl-type skirt, right. And it’s SHORT!

Nigel:  Huh.

Tony: That thing is SHORT!

Nigel:  Short?

Tony: It’s SHORT! And she’s got on this blouse, you know, and it’s TIGHT. The whole thing…well, it was pure harlotry, Andy.

Nigel:  Cheaper than Old Navy slacks.

Tony:  Absolutely.  Hey, Nigel, we didn’t talk about this beforehand, so I apologize, but I wanted to do something a little different this morning.

Nigel:  Your wish, my command, TK.

Tony:  I think I’d like to skip our usual American Idol chat.

Nigel:  Are you feeling okay?

Tony:  I am.  I just thought we might talk sports this morning.

Nigel:  What?

Tony:  Now, bear with me.  After last night’s episode of Idol, I caught a few highlights from the Laker game.  Kobe Bryant hit the buzzer beater. You want to know what I think about him? Buckle your safety belt. I think KOBE BRYANT IS THE BEST PLAYER IN THE NBA. Just deal with it. If you think he’s not, I say you’re a DOPE.  

I’m just getting warmed up, though. Want to know who I think is the best player in college basketball?  John Wall.  Want to know why I think that? Because he’s GREAT, that’s why.  Want to know my favorite kind of wisdom, Nigel?  CONVENTIONAL.  I watch TV, I skim the Web, I restate whatever I absorb there.  Unless I see Hannah Storm wearing something tawdry. THAT’S when the wheels really start turning! She’s in her 50s now, is she not?  She’s like a bearcat now.

Nigel: A cougar?

Tony: What do you mean, cougar? What is she gonna do, attack me at night in my camping tent?  Whatever cougars do, Nigel, I’m not sure that applies to our discussion here.  Pay attention, Nigel. PLEASE.

Nigel:  All apologies, my liege.

Tony:  Speaking of college basketball, let’s take a look at a game taking place tonight, shall we? It’s Maryland. Playing at home.  Against…ahhhhh….(looks at computer screen)….Clemson! Coming all the way up from Georgia to play the Terps.

Nigel: The Peach State, TK.

Tony: Right you are, Nigel! So (looking at the computer) their point guard, Demontez Stitt, is back healthy again after missing the teams’ first game in Clemson. Trevor Booker is their best player, but they’ve got Jerai Grant in the post, too. Now he burned the Terps last time.

Nigel: Yes he did.

Tony: I don’t know the stats. Who am I, STAT BOY?

Nigel: 18 points, 12 rebounds, 4 blocks. Booker was a bit quieter, 10 points but 16 boards. Maryland, especially Dino Gregory, will need to stand up to them. And the guards can’t be afraid to go into the paint.

Tony: Clemson (looking at computer) is the best team defensively in the ACC. They’re the best! Who’s the best? CLEMSON! THAT’S IT!  THAT’S THE LIST!!

Nigel: They slowed the last game to a crawl with the full-court press and stifling man to man. It worked…they held Maryland to 53.  That’s 26 below their average.  And with Stitt back tonight, they’ll press exhaustively again. The Terps have to break it this time or it could be the same show!

Tony: Now this Greivis Vasquez. What is he, Brazilian? I wonder if Hannah Storm likes Latin-American men.

Nigel:  He shot 3-11 against Clemson last time. They’ll need more from him tonight, and with the way he’s been playing, they should get it. Plus he’ll probably take at least one turn guarding Stitt, who is their second-best player behind Booker. And if the Terps are going to fight the press with the press, which is likely, they’ll need Vasquez and his long arms.

Tony:  He would look great in a sleeveless cocktail dress.  He’d be just like Michelle Obama.

Nigel: An X factor for Clemson is inside-outside forward David Potter. He averaged 15 points against Virginia Tech and Florida State, but only 4 against Miami and Virginia. He’s a streaky guy, but at 6′6″ and 215, if he’s on, and Booker and Grant are on, too, they could avalanche Maryland’s bigs. X factor for the Terps: Landon Milbourne. If he can use his mid-range game to draw out the bigs, that could open it up inside and beyond the arc.

Tony:  I used to like that X Files show.   Hey, what ever happened to The Smoking Man?

Nigel:  Make no mistake, Clemson should bring it tonight. They’re 1-4 on the road, 19-7 overall, 7-5 in the conference, and coming off a 3-0 homestand. They badly need a road win to lock in a tourney bid. Since they’re 3-0 against the Terps since 2008, they’re gonna see an opportunity here.

And in their last meeting, Maryland capitulated to Clemson’s grind.  If it happens again, it could be a long night. Less pressure on the Terps than on Clemson tonight, but Maryland has plenty on the line as well, playing at home and with a three-game win streak of their own. They’ve got the ACC’s best player and second-best freshman in their corner in Vasquez and Jordan Williams. A win all but solidifies a tournament bid. I think the home crowd, which is still fired up from that Georgia Tech thriller, is gonna tip it in the Terps’ favor. They win another ugly one by six, seven points.

Tony: You know what, Nigel?

Nigel: What’s that, TK?

Tony: I think Ugg boots would work for you. Ever seen a pair of Uggs?  Ask Carrie Underwood how Uggs feel.  Now THAT’S a girl who’s got her act together. 

We’ll be back right after this message.  I’m Tony Kornheiser.

Game will be regionally broadcast by Raycom and the Terrapin Sports Radio Network, including Baltimore flagships WJZ-FM (105.7) and WJZ-AM (1300). Pregame on the network begins at 8 p.m.

And sure enough, she is. I was right, and all was right with the world.

(I actually don’t have anything against curling. In fact, a few of my old friends were into curling, and I used to enjoy going to their matches because there was always a bar there, and the spectators and curlers would get plastered together. It’s just part of the curling culture. We should really institute an Olympics of Sports That Serve As Excuses to Drink. You could have curling, ice fishing, any other kind of fishing, golf, or anything involving cards or dice. This could happen. It’s not like NBC has a ton else going on. This is why we should clear out the dead Zuckerwood and make me the new president of NBC. Why not? Sign my online petition! www.seriouslyIreallythinkIcouldbepresidentofNBC.com)

I don’t normally get into college basketball — mainly because there’s no Trade Machine — but some more of these so-unsurprising-it’s-reassuring facts (which for confusion’s sake I will refer to as SUIR facts from here on out) emerged for me a few days ago when I began my annual bracketology crash course. After all, March is just around the corner, people.

I was talking with a famous friend of mine who I won’t name — let’s just refer to him as Jim Kimmel — and he clued me in that Duke was on top in the ACC. There’s SUIR fact number two. Along with Wake Forest, the Blue Devils are already trying on dresses for the big dance. But despite the assertions that the ACC is down, the conference will still probably get six or more teams into the tournament. Among those now on the bubble are Clemson, FSU, Ga. Tech, Va. Tech, and a little team called the Maryland Terrapins.

And there’s SUIR fact number three.

The Terps are one of the most bubbleicious teams in the country. Never quite a lock, never quite dead. Greivis Vasquez and company recovered from a classic Grade B Level Two Combination Head Trauma/Explosive Diarrhea Loss last Saturday to the hated Dookies by absolutely murdering a decent Virginia team in College Park on Monday. Now, they make their second trip to North Carolina in four days (as part of a snow-related schedule adjustment that has them playing four games in a week, which the selection committee, to their credit, has taken note of) to play a dying-quail N.C. State squad.

If conventional wisdom holds, the 17-7 Terrapins will need to win at least three more games to get 20 wins overall, 10 wins in the conference, and a tourney berth. A win on the road, even against the unspectacular Pack, would be helpful, as the Terps are 5-6 away from Crappy Cable Provider Center (12-1 at home) and face a tough remaining home slate of Georgia Tech, Clemson, and Duke. So holding serve won’t be a cake walk from here on in.

The fact that Maryland is 2-6 against opponents with top-50 RPIs (2-7 if you count William and Mary, which ranks 51) means the Terps don’t have a lot of margin for error. If they take care of business against “beatable” opponents like N.C. State and Virginia Tech, then get at least one of their final three home games, that should be enough.  Given this, and given that the Terps are 15-0 against “lesser” opponents, and given that they beat N.C. State by 24 in their first season meeting, the Terps should victimize the Pack tonight.

But that leads me to SUIR fact number four, and reason no. 324 why I love sports: You just never know.

I will now light myself on fire.

I can see all you Maryland fans making The Manning Face out there. It just proves my Andy Dufresne Corrolary, which follows that any team without a major championship or similar accomplishment within the past ten years that directly succeed the achievement of said accomplishment are frustrated to the point of making strange noises and expressions that influence their teams toward negative outcomes in minor situations, thus increasing the likelihood of the opponents of these teams paying off on prop bets. So if you happen to be in Vegas this weekend, bet the house against Maryland winning the tip-off. It’s all in my book, now available on Amazon. You can thank me later.

As for tonight, the matchups and issues remain much the same as they were for the first game. Jordan Williams and Dino Gregory again need to lock up All-ACC candidate Tracy Smith in the post, who has averaged 18 points and 6.6 rebounds since the loss to Maryland, including most recently a 20 and 5 in a loss to UNC. Gregory, in particular, prevented Smith from getting comfortable in the low post…Dino has been struggling of late, however, so a big game from him will be key. Dennis Horner and Maryland blood enemy Javier Gonzalez remain the Pack’s second- and third-leading scorers, respectively, but because of respective lack of athleticism and size, they are fairly easy covers for Maryland’s dynamic guards. On the flip side, N.C. State had no answer for Maryland’s guards and small forwards, who combined for 53 points on 15-32 shooting while holding Horner to four.

But here’s where it gets slightly interesting. N.C. State is 2-9 in the conference and desparately needs a win for pride, and possibly to quell the hot seat coach Sidney Lowe finds himself on. Maryland, as noted, is playing its third game in five days, with a Saturday showdown with Georgia Tech looming. And this is Vasquez’s first visit to Raleigh since hitting a meaningless three at the end of the Terps’ victory last year, which he later said he did to quiet the Wolfpack fans, who he claimed were making racist remarks. I don’t see that action making the Pack fans any quieter. Bottom line: Maryland may have a fairly low energy level for this one. N.C. State will not.

But still, I mean, how is this not a breeze for Maryland? How? How is it possible? They should get this win under their belt, then move on to a tough final stretch that will determine their postseason fate. Then again, that’s why we watch sports: you just never know.

I’m sorry this was so short.

Prediction: Maryland 93, N.C. State 70

Game starts at 9 p.m. and will be televised in D.C. on Comcast SportsNet-Plus (CSN- Regular will join the game in progress after the Wizards telecast).The game can also be heard on WJZ-FM (105.7) and WJZ-AM (1300) in B-more and WGTB-FM (94.7) in D.C. 

(Photo credit: Rocking the Suburbs)

No question about it, this game is going to be difficult, a flat-out Gordian knot, for both of these teams. But at the same time, this is a pretty easy one to handicap. For Duke, it begins and ends with their three guards: Jon Scheyer, Kyle Singler, and Nolan Smith, or as I call them, Super, Scintillating, and Sensational. Or at least that’s what I used to call them, until people started getting annoyed.

So now I call them the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Although now that I think about it, Mike Shishefski is really the Father, so hey, two Gods, baby, I just invented a new religion! Dookieism! And I’m the first high priest!  Hey, you think they’ll let me into their locker room now heh heh heh just kidding I already get in there, hey, I’m goin through their lockers baby it’s me it’s Dickie V, I’m gonna use your underarm deodorant!!

Jon Scheyer is the Father out there because he’s the floor leader. Flat-out fearless. Kyle Singler is the son because he’s still young, but his gifts for this team — and for all mankind — are just so special. Such a special talent. And finally, Nolan Smith is the holy spirit because he’s the one I know the least about. I’ll just say he’s the glue of this Blue Devil backcourt, hey, he’s the leading Duke guard for rebanding, plus he’s the main slasher of the group.

But here’s the thing: in order to have a good chance to win, at least two members of the Holy Trinity will need to be hitting around 50 percent from the land of trifectors. If they can’t hit the trifector, their odds of winning go down. In the absolutely heartbreaking loss to N.C. State, the Trinity only hit 5-13 on trifectors. In a loss to Georgetown, they went 8-25. But in their W over North Carolina, they went 9-17. 

The Trinity scores 53.5 of Duke’s 80.7 points per game. The next leading scorer behind them is Miles Plumlee with 6.3. You shut down the Trinity, especially on the trifector, you shut down the Blue Devils.

But hey, easier said than done, especially for these Terrapins, baby. They’re third in the conference in the ACC in field goal percentage defense, but eighth in defending the trifector. Yes, they will need a balanced defensive effort on the outside, more than just running out to the shooter and yelling “don’t miss.” Hey, maybe use smaller lineups at times, maybe involve Landon Milbourne on the perimeter. But they can’t wander too far from the hoop, as Duke ranks tops in the conference in rebands. Wanna talk about rebands? Let’s talk about rebanding the basketball. That’s where Diaper Dandy Jordan Williams, in his first game at Cameron, along with Dino Gregory and others will be crucial — even with Duke forward Lance Thomas and his five rebands per game doubtful with a knee injury — in preventing Duke’s frontcourt from playing the role of ball retriever for the Holy Trinity.

And yes, Mr. Vasquez will need to be his usual scintillating self. He can have a million great games against the bottom feeders, but until he shows up in a winnable game like this, he’ll have a hard time shedding the tag the A-Rod of the ACC, much less overtaking Mr. Scheyer for ACC player of the year.

But perhaps another Terp will be even more crucial tomorrow. Some stat comparisons show that Eric Hayes, yes the steady point guard for Maryland, has really struggled at Cameron Indoor. We’ll see if Mr. Hayes, and Mr. Vasquez, and Mr. Mosely, and Mr. Milbourne, and Mr. Williams show up to play. If they do, I think they can walk out of Durham with a signature W. That’s right, I’m picking Maryland to down the Dookies tomorrow in Cameron, hey what’s happening to me baby? Coach K! Hey! Coach K! I’m still your number one high preist right baby?

Prediction: Maryland 81, Duke 69

Yo, whassup, bro? What’s goin on? Hey, what are you doin tonight? Wanna meet up? Pound some brews? Beerage? Sweet. That’s what I’m talkin about, man. Just another day at Bongwood College. You feelin me? Hollaaaaaa!!!

So bro, did you know we had a basketball team?  Me neither. But apparently they play Maryland tonight. Woot woot!   I was sitting in my accounting class — which is kickin my BUTT, btw — and I checked it out on my Chocolate.  We’re 4-14…that’s like The Drobber’s record with the ladies, ROTFL. I’m just clownin you, Drobs. What a guy. Remember that time Drobs snorted jungle juice out of his nose, and it sprayed all over that girl that Moose was trying to creep on, and the girl freaked out and left with her friend or whatever, and Moose got all pissed, but then Drobs was like “bro, she was busted…I just did your ass a favor”? I laughed so hard my tongue stud almost came out. Caitlin would have killed me. Know what I mean, bro?  Oh yeah.  Up top! Yo, give it to me up top! THAT’S what I’m talkin about!

But yeah, our team is 4-14…and they don’t even have a conference affiliation. We’ve already lost to Stephen F. Austin, Chattanooga, Columbia, and Bethune-Cookman. We did beat Florida Gulf Coast, though. Remember when we went to Florida for spring break? Oh my gosh we pounded so many brews, bro. And the girls were fierce! Best time of my life. Ever.

Our best dudes are Antwan Carter and Dana Smith. But E.J. Dawson is pretty nice, too. He leads the team with 3.2 assists and is second on the team with 1 steal. And those averages are PER GAME, bro.  Pretty badass.  Don’t mess with me. I got a C in statistics.

Also, we don’t have any player taller than 6′7″. And our best guy, Durann Neil, is out for the season. Yo. Not good. But check out what our coach said in this preview:

“We’re at a stage now where we’re not trying to do anything that I think we’re not capable of doing.”

Awesome. Doesn’t that make you wanna, like, run through a rock-climbing wall or whatever? I’m PUMPED, bro! We’re gonna run it up, we’re gonna run it down. Then we’re gonna storm the court, and like, set the basket on fire, and then you know what? Oh, you KNOW it, bro. Serious brews in need of poundage.  I’m gonna go rinse out my funnel right now. I think I left it under the bed.  Sweet!

Prediction: Longwood 48, Maryland 115

I can’t believe how fast people are turning on Agent Zero.  How they gonna do me like that?   Think back to my contributions recently.  I played in 47 games over the past three seasons. FORTY SEVEN. How many did you play in? Uh-huh. The prosecution rests. That rock don’t chuck itself, homeboy.  You’re treating me like all those games didn’t mean nothing to you.  But go ahead…get rid of me. If you can find another eccentric shoot-first point guard with bad knees who’s willing to play for $111 million, you got my blessing, man. Hey! Why are you dancing? You don’t gotta dance on me, man.

You know, this all reminds me of a story I once heard.  It’s one of those fake stories…fake stories?   Fairy tale, like…FABLE!  It’s like one of those fables.  But it’s about a man who fell in love with a blind woman, okay.   The man loved her so much, he gave her his eyes so she could see.  And when she could see, he asked her to marry him, but she was all like, “I don’t wanna marry no blind man.”  You see?  That blind man was me.  I GAVE YOU MY EYES, DC!  WHAT ELSE YOU WANT!?!?!   Oh, you want your money back?  Sorry, can’t do that.  Artificial atmospheres don’t pay for themselves, do they now.

So as you might have guessed, I got me a little extra down time these days.  It’s just temporary…until these clown-ass cops realize they’re stupid and they got no case.  Except for those guns.  You know.  But F that, man. They’ll learn it’s the media’s fault and then I’ll sue the media and then I’ll write stories about how stupid THEY are!  I’ll be talking about how they get it on with dogs and stuff like that.  It’s just like what they’re doing with me.  Except my shit is true, that’s all.  Your day of reckoning is coming, media.  Believe that.

All my extra free time means I can watch a lot more ball on the TV.  I do it while I’m counting my umbrella collection.  Did you know I collect umbrellas?  Yeah, man, I got like four thousand of them bitches.  It’s just a little habit I picked up on the streets.  When I’m not giving money to schools, you know, I’m buying umbrellas.

One of the ball games I’m gonna watch is Maryland-Florida State. For the 12-2, 18th-ranked Seminoles, it begins and ends with their front court, Solomon Alabi and Chris Singelton. And don’t be sleepin on Ryan Reid, either. That dude does some serious dirty work. In fact, they all do serious dirty work. This is a dirty work team. They are NASTY on the blocks, yo. NASTY on the boards. Serious swag down there, son. They’re tops in the ACC in scoring defense, FG percentage defense (opponents only shoot 33 percent…DAMN!), and blocked shots. Second in steals. Third in defensive rebounding. So let me repeat: they. are. nasty.

That’s why this one might be hard for Maryland. When was the last time you saw them mix it up with anybody? If I was the other coach, I would be like, “Maryland’s good, but you hit em in the mouth one time and they fold.” Hitting dudes in the mouth is this team’s specialty. Jordan Williams and Dino Gregory better be on notice. They’re gonna log some rugged minutes, man. Not to mention Vasquez and Bowie and anyone else that wants to slash their way in there. Something tells me Bowie’s gonna have a quiet game.

On offense, though, things flip around. It’s clear the Noles miss Toney Douglas. And why wouldn’t they? He played there for like 12 years. But now, they got no big-time scoring threat. They dump it inside and hope for the best. They’re methodical, which is a nice way of saying they got no clear options. But you know what? Maryland does. So if it’s Vasquez and Mosely time, and if Hayes gets hot, now we got something.

But assuming FSU’s superior defense and Maryland’s superior offense are equal and opposite, it’s gonna come down to the intangibles. Will, baby. Hustle. Who can impose their game on the other one? I’m saying Florida State gets this one. They’re hungry right now. Maybe Maryland wins the rematch in Tallahassee on Feb. 4, but the Noles are gonna get this one. I’ll bet you on it. I’ll bet you my umbrellas. Well, some of my umbrellas. Actually, I’ll go you one better. I got four guns here that says FSU gets the W. Actually, you don’t even gotta bet me. Just take em, OK? Take those gloves off and hold ‘em in your hand. My gift to you, son! Go ahead, get on outta here.

Prediction: Florida State 79, Maryland 66

No Tony? Well, I can do this by myself. As I may have mentioned, I’m from the South Side of Chicago. Where the people and the fans are real. Not like you Maryland fans. Bunch of sorry, no-account whiners. YOU CALL YOURSELF AN AUDIENCE?!?!?! Bah. You think you know whining? Go down to the South Side of Chicago some time, big boy. We can discuss what’s wrong with my Cubbies. Seriously, what’s wrong with them? And Jay Cutler, who’s just so…I don’t know. (Wrings hands.)

And bloggers! Don’t even get me started. Why did you even ask me about them? No objectivity! No journalistic values! (Sips from Bears mug.) Bunch of sorry, no-account losers living in their parents basements. Just like all the other Internet users. See all that whining? That’s how you do it, Maryland! That’s how you do it.

So here’s what’s happening with your Terps, boys and girls. First of all, they’re coached by Gary Williams. Okay? Everyone just needs to take a deep breath and remember that. I know Gary Williams pretty well. We play a lot of golf together. So obviously that makes him a good coach. But not just a good coach. A great coach. Gary Williams is a great coach. Who’s a great coach in the ACC? You’ve got Roy Williams. You’ve got Mike Shichefsky. And you’ve got Gary Williams. THAT’S IT! THAT’S THE LIST! Anyone else who says anything different is stupid. Got that? Stupid. They should be fired from whatever line of work they’re in.

Yes, he’s lost some games against inferior opponents. Yes, they seem, at times, to give what I call an inconsistent level of performance. In all my years covering basketball, I know inconsistent when I see it. But you know what? I know Gary Williams. I’ve played golf with this man. Just the other day, it was yours truly, Gary (I usually just address him by his first name), Chuck Barkley, and Steve Nash out on the links in Scottsdale. Gary hit a five-iron approach shot into the water. I’ve never seen a golf club get abused like that. I’ve also never seen Steve Nash jump so high. So yes, Gary Williams is a great coach. Great coach? He’s a great coach.

So let’s run through some stats really fast. (Puts on glasses, looks down at paper on desk.) Winston-Salem State is 2-6. They shoot 35 percent from the field. Their best players are guard Brian Fisher and forward Shelton Carter, who is second on the team in rebounding and first in three-point shooting. So he could be an interesting matchup. But still, as my good friend Chad Ochocinco would say, “child please.” These guys are just the guys who couldn’t get a look from Wake. Heck, from UNC Asheville. This could be Maryland’s easiest game of the season.

Now having said that, would it surprise me if Winston-Salem State won? Not really. I expect Maryland to win, but I wouldn’t be shocked if Winston-Salem State pulled the upset. See how I do that? This way, no matter what happens, I can plausibly claim that I saw it coming. That’s what smart people do in order to seem smart. Got it? Good. See you around, knuckleheads! PTI re-airs at 6:30 on ESPN2. Good night, Canada.

Prediction: Winston-Salem State 52, Maryland 101

(Photo credit: The Screening Jock)

Tiger Woods: The path to success…is not always easy.  The road to glory…not always paved.  To be a champion, you must always be at your best.   Every edge…matters.

And for me, that means Wheaties.  Whole grain…makes the difference.

BZZZZZZZZZZZZT.  (Theme song from “Caddyshack” playing.)

Tiger:  Ah, shit fuck.  Guys, can we cut?

Director: That’s a cut, people!

Tiger:  (looks more closely at number)  Hey, I gotta take this.  Can we get a five?

Director: That’s five, people!

Tiger:   Hey, baby.  Thanks for calling me back.  Hang on one second, let me put you on conference. 

(Presses buttons.  Boop BOOP boop.)

Okay, I think we’re all here now.  No, yeah, it’s great to talk to all of you, too.  Look, I just wanted to check in with you all really briefly.  About all the text messages and voice mails and sexual encounters and such.  Now, far be it from me to impugn your various professions.  I haven’t done a whole lot of research on this, but I feel safe in assuming that the cocktail waitressing, VIP nightlife services, adult film, reality television star, exotic dance, and prostitution industries all adhere to very strict codes of ethics.  Confidentiality is paramount…just like when you go to the doctor.  Right?  RIGHT?!!?! 

Okay, great then.  So from here on out, I just want to be sure you guys are deleting all those messages and stuff.  Cool?  Cool.  I think we’ll all be more comfortable moving forward under the confines of the honor system.  I knew I could count on you for discretion, Sugar Tits.  Oh, is Sugar Tits not on the call?  Well, if one of you could relay this to Sugar Tits, that’d be great.  Okay, gotta go.  See you all in Fiji in three weeks.  Yeah, I’ll send the clothing assignments later.  Thanks guys!  Bye…buh-bye.  Okay.  Bye now.

Oh, hi!    I didn’t see you there.  My name is Tiger Woods.  You know, when I’m not winning terrnaments on the golf course or being hopelessly in love with my wonderful wife Ee-lin, I’m actually a really big sports fan.  Lately I’ve been spending a lot of time in my home theater — it’s similar to one of your “man caves” — just watching games and things.  Just relaxing.  It was my idea.  But one of the teams that caught my eye was the Maryland Terrapins.  I understand they have a game tomorrow against the Eastern Kentucky Colonels (4:30 p.m., check local listings).  So I just wanted to stop in and break it down for you.

At first glance, it might seem like an easy win.  After all, it’s Eastern Kentucky!  But the simple and sad truth for Terp fans is, there is no such thing as a gimme putt.  Just ask Morgan State.  And Miami.  And American.  And Middle Tennesse State.  And Duke.  Oh wait, different sport.  But whatever, you see where I’m going.  And to make matters worse, Eastern Kentucky could actually be a tough matchup for the Terps.

The Colonels are currently 7-2 overall and their only losses are to Pittsburgh and Ohio Valley Conference leader Murray State.   In their wins, they have an average margin of victory of 16 points.  Why so dominant?  One reason and one reason only:  they put the ball in the hole.  They’re second in the OVC in field goal percentage.  But are you ready to have your mind blown, Sugar Tits?  They rank ninth in the ENTIRE COUNTRY in three-point percentage at 44.8 perecnt, and SECOND in all of Division I with 11 made threes per game.   Their top player is senior 6′6″ forward Josh Taylor, who has made 26 of 59 threes this year. He will be what we call a “tough cover” for Vasquez, Landon Milbourne, or whomever else the Terps might throw his way. Guards Justin Stommes and Papa Oppong are also dangerous, currently shooting 44 and 51 freaking percent from three, respectively.

This is all somewhat troubling since Maryland has had problems guarding the perimeter, preferring the run-out-there-and-yell-HEY-DON’T-MISS approach to a more demonstrably effective tactic like man-to-man defense, or not overplaying on the help side. Perhaps this is why Maryland currently ranks 11th in the ACC in three-point defense.

The Colonels also employ a 1-3-1 press. There’s the old saw about pressing teams not liking to be pressed, but that can go either way. And you know how this blog feels about the full-court press. It can be had.

While the EKU guards are tall — and you know I love tall — they only have one player over 6′7″. If Maryland plays its game, EKU shouldn’t have an answer for Milbourne, Jordan Williams, the triumphantly returning Dino Gregory, and all the others. It should be a Terps win. But it should be interesting, too.

And you know what? I’m rooting for Maryland. I know a guy from Maryland who’s really been helping me out lately.

Okay, I’m ready to keep filming!

Director: Ready to go people!

BZZZZZZZT. (“Caddyshack” theme playing)

Tiger: Oh, crap. It’s a text from Ee-lin. Oh God! She’s heading this way!

(He runs.)

Director: That’s lunch, people!

Prediction: EKU 69, Maryland 80

So when my producers told me a visit to College Park was imminent, my response was simple, and immediate:  where do I sign.  When College Park comes calling, my friends, you have no choice but to accept the charges.

The deal was only sweetened for me when I was informed, as we all clambored into that late-model Mercedes SUV, that the weekend in question was, in fact, homecoming weekend. 

Homecoming weekend. It’s a time-honored tradition in this part of the world.  Friends and family come from far and wide to pay visits to a favorite son, niece, or buddy who, with any luck, is working toward his or her diploma, that ticket to the real world that comes rushing at you like a Pamplona silverback stoned on Vivarin and Fundador.  Revelers of all stripes eat and drink as if the world might end, and above all, they root.  Root root.  For the home team. Throw Midnight Madness in there, and you have the makings of a weekend for the record books, especially as they pertain to the local jail population.

Being from New York City, I admit to some uncertainty over the homecoming phenomenon.  Fortunately for me, College Park offers the perfect initiation.  The street food — hamburgers and hot dogs grilled in the open air, Thermonuclear hot wings, doughy Ratsie’s pizza — provides a veritable culinary rainbow for a humble, road-weary New York City traveler like myself.  After a bite to eat and a drink or five, we head to Lot 4.  And that’s where I see it for the first time.  A father and son, both members of the same fraternity, wearing matching Under Armour shirts just a touch too small, weaving arm-in-arm through the crowd, vomiting on shoes, calling everyone gay.  That’s when I finally understood.  Though I hadn’t known it when I’d first set out, this was what I had come to see.

Oh, and I have also come for a football game.  A football game between two teams bad enough that an ersatz rivalry was in order for the locals, and their football heroes, to give a crap. Maryland linebacker Alex Wujciak derided Virginia students as essentially a group of preppy snobs. Virginia coach Al Groh said that had he known about standout Terp receiver and Virginia native Torrey Smith, Smith would be playing for the Cavs right now.  I suppose there is, after all, some legitimacy to this rivalry. As Ralph Friedgen points out, these campuses are relatively close, and a lot of the players know one another.  Nevertheless, talk of this being some sort of blood feud rings as hollow to me as my road-weary footsteps on the lonely midnight pavement of New York City, where I grew up.

Even as the schools are close, so too are their teams. Virginia has rebounded from a winless start (which included, you’ll recall, a loss to William and Mary) to marshal a 2-3 record, nearly equalling Maryland’s illustrious 2-4.   Star Cavs running back Mikell Simpson is doubtful for the game, which could put the pressure on big fullback and alleged felon Rashawn Jackson.  Maryland, again, is in a similar boat. With their ground game gaining only 62 yards last week without Da’rel Scott, QB Chris Turner now may wish to seek out Torrey Smith, who is no doubt looking to show UVA what they missed.  The aerial attack may be the Terps’ best chance, but it will face a UVA defense ranked third in the ACC against the pass and led by reining ACC Defensive Back of the Week Ras-I Dowling.  You may remember that he picked off a pass in last year’s 31-0 Virginia romp over the Terps.

And there’s my segue. I’m from New York City, so I don’t know much about the state of Maryland. But in doing this show, I now know the state of Maryland football.  They want revenge for last year’s butt-kicking, but frankly speaking, the signs are not encouraging. The predicted bad weather could turn this into trench warfare — not a strong suit for the Terps. We’ll see if Davin Meggett and the linemen are up to the task. My belief is they are not. Field goals will soar through the rain-soaked air like the mortar shells thumped over the treetops of Bastogne. And in the end, the Cavaliers will prevail. And the revelry in College Park will take a turn for the worse. But you know something? That’s my kind of party.

Prediction: Virginia 19, Maryland 9

theme music

Hey there. How ya doin? What is this. A, uhhhh, like a blog? Bloggers? You bloggin it up? I like that. Pretty good. Pret-ty, pret-ty good.

Pre-tyyyyyyyyyy, PRE-TYYYYYYY GOOOOOOOOD.

Where was I. Oh my God, did you just see that guy? I think he just drove off without paying for that gas. Wait…was that Steven Spielberg? I think it was!! OMG, I think Steven Spielberg just drove off without paying for his gas. Mr. Big Shot. Like he can’t afford it. I’m calling the cops. I’ll testify against that guy. There’s no way this will backfire on me.

So this weekend. Biiiiiig, big weekend. Got a lotta big plans. Big plans. Oh, you don’t think I have plans? I have plans, buddy boy. I’m going back to the old alma mater. How do you pronounce that anyway? Is it like MAH-ter, or is it like MAIT-er. Alma Mater. I think I felt her up once at summer camp. What’s my old alma mater? Why, the University of Maryland. You didn’t know that? Oh, yeah. Go Terps. I’m a big Terp. Love the Terps. Sports keeps you young. Virile. None of that Viagra for me. Just give me a good old smashmouth football game. Give me the old slobberknocker. That’s right.

So what do we got on tap for the Terps this weekend? Wake? Like in the morning? Oh, Wake Forest. I gotcha. They’re the, uhhhh, wolves, the den, no the Wolf Pack! Demon Deacons? Same difference. Let me just consult my notes here. Don’t think I don’t know Wake. Well, Wake’s pretty easy to scout. It begins and ends with quarterback Riley Skinner. He’s a senior and he holds a lot of records down there. He’s gonna test our secondary, that’s for sure. Hey, did I remember to give Anthony Wiseman the wrong directions? I hope so. Don’t tell anybody, but I rerouted him to the Jersey Shore.

Skinner’s the key, but Wake is looking to get the running game going this Saturday as well. Senior Kevin Harris is hurt, so Josh Adams and Brandon Pendergrass are gonna get the calls. Skinner will be involved even in this, because they’re gonna dink and dunk it a lot. So that’ll be exciting. Dink and dunk. It’s like the two guys you don’t want to end up talking to at the party. It just screams barnburner. Am I right?

But hey, I’m a Terp fan. I shouldn’t talk about running games. We’ve got Da’rel Scott out, and in his place is this nice Dim Sum of crap. I’m just kidding. I’m sure Davin Meggett and Gary Douglas and D.J. Adams are fine people. But with them and with Bruce Campbell definitely out, it’s a problem.

Defensively, I think Maryland is rounding into form. I’m just not sure that Cameron Chism is enough to stem the tide against this Wake aerial attack. They’re like F-22s. F-a millions. Maybe our line can hold up enough to let the linebackers make plays on the receivers. Wake’s just OK on the defensive side, I think. They’re 7th in the ACC in total defense. Feh. They’re like an overripe apple. They’re all mealy.

Basically, this is a fulcrum game for Maryland. They win, and the headline is “they’ve righted the ship.” They lose, and they’re cellar dwellars. Let the roller coaster ride continue. Maryland is 6-2 against Wake recently, but Skinner and the O is gonna be too much. They have at least one big strength. Maryland may be improving, but as of now, they have none.

Oh hey, Anthony! I can’t believe it, I gave you the wrong directions by accident! Don’t hit me, this is all a big misunderstanding. I need to get a ride out of here. Steven! Steven, is that you? Gimme a ride, no it wasn’t me that called the cops! Why are you talking crazy?!?! Steve! Baby! Anthony! crap.

theme music

Prediction: Maryland 10, Wake Forest 21

What up.  It’s The Hot Seat, fool.  You know, I’m a lot like life insurance, or Santa Claus.  People don’t really think about me until it’s time to think about me.  But when it’s time, it’s motherfraggin’ time. Nothing else will do. Know what I mean?

Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeit.

No one’s learning that lesson any better than Ralph Friedgen.  Because I’m back in the CP, and I’m grabbin ALLLLLL the headlines. Ralph’s sitting on me for the first time in his career, and I am burning his a$$ like I was grilling a Chateaubriand.  From my perspective, better this year than last, I suppose.  You know. Because of the weight loss. But still…it ain’t pleasant for either of us.  But what other choice is there?  It’s program uncertainty this, and contract buyout that. Even The Bethany Beach Wave is piling on. And those beach people usually don’t get upset about anything. I should know. I vomited in a crib there once, and they didn’t even kick me out. They were just like, cool, have another margarita.

Okay, that last part never actually happened. I don’t get out much. I’m just a seat. Whatever, dude.

So back to the Fridge. What’s a fan base to do?  I’ll tell you what they do. They call me.  I’m like the Wolf.  I solve coaching problems.  I’m in my Acura, and BOOM, I was at Bentley’s in, like, 2.4 minutes.

And I’m cookin. I’m tellin you, man, I’m on overdrive. But it’s not working. Because Ralph’s contract ends after 2011. To get him out before then, it’s gonna cost $4.5 million. As we all know, the athletic department — hell, the university — just doesn’t have that kind of scratch. So basically, he’d have to quit. For him to leave that money on the table, I would have to get hotter than the blazes of Hell itself. Hotter than a Meagan Fox sandwich on Bar Refaeli with a side of Michele Trachtenberg. I don’t even know if that’s possible. Plus, it would just mean you’d get James Franklin that much earlier. Oh, you want to set him down on Yours Truly as well? Blow it up and start fresh? That’s another cool $1 million.

Man. I wouldn’t want to be you right now.

So now to the game. You know, honestly, I don’t know that much about football. I just show up, get the coach fired, and leave. I do my job, I get my glory, I go home. But from my perspective, both these teams are pretty mediocre. Clemson is ALWAYS mediocre. Dig up Bear Bryant to coach them and they’re STILL mediocre. To me, that’s just how Clemson rolls. But you know what? Maryland is worse than mediocre right now. They suck. They just plain suck. We could go through and be like matchups this, and “players to watch for” that, but what’s the point? That would imply that there are leverage points in this game…areas to be exploited. Until Maryland’s offense stops turning it over four times a game, and Maryland’s defense stops surrendering 72 points per game, isn’t it all just kind of a superfluous exercise? Not to get all political, but it’s like breaking down Iraq’s chances against the U.S. military. “Well, if the Republican Guard can just hole up in some key buildings, and the IUDs catch some Humvee tires…” No. That’s bull crap and you know it’s bull crap. It’s gonna be a butt-whoopin, period. Maryland is gonna get worked in every game until further notice. Or until Yours Truly — one way or another — rides out of College Park. Metaphorically, of course. I don’t really ride anywhere. Again. I’m just a seat.

Prediction: Maryland 13, Clemson 30

P.S., if you liked my guest post here, throw these guys a vote for Best Terps Blog in the Mobbie Awards. It takes two seconds, buddy. I know you can do it. Sheeeeeeeeit.