Tiger Woods: The path to success…is not always easy.  The road to glory…not always paved.  To be a champion, you must always be at your best.   Every edge…matters.

And for me, that means Wheaties.  Whole grain…makes the difference.

BZZZZZZZZZZZZT.  (Theme song from “Caddyshack” playing.)

Tiger:  Ah, shit fuck.  Guys, can we cut?

Director: That’s a cut, people!

Tiger:  (looks more closely at number)  Hey, I gotta take this.  Can we get a five?

Director: That’s five, people!

Tiger:   Hey, baby.  Thanks for calling me back.  Hang on one second, let me put you on conference. 

(Presses buttons.  Boop BOOP boop.)

Okay, I think we’re all here now.  No, yeah, it’s great to talk to all of you, too.  Look, I just wanted to check in with you all really briefly.  About all the text messages and voice mails and sexual encounters and such.  Now, far be it from me to impugn your various professions.  I haven’t done a whole lot of research on this, but I feel safe in assuming that the cocktail waitressing, VIP nightlife services, adult film, reality television star, exotic dance, and prostitution industries all adhere to very strict codes of ethics.  Confidentiality is paramount…just like when you go to the doctor.  Right?  RIGHT?!!?! 

Okay, great then.  So from here on out, I just want to be sure you guys are deleting all those messages and stuff.  Cool?  Cool.  I think we’ll all be more comfortable moving forward under the confines of the honor system.  I knew I could count on you for discretion, Sugar Tits.  Oh, is Sugar Tits not on the call?  Well, if one of you could relay this to Sugar Tits, that’d be great.  Okay, gotta go.  See you all in Fiji in three weeks.  Yeah, I’ll send the clothing assignments later.  Thanks guys!  Bye…buh-bye.  Okay.  Bye now.

Oh, hi!    I didn’t see you there.  My name is Tiger Woods.  You know, when I’m not winning terrnaments on the golf course or being hopelessly in love with my wonderful wife Ee-lin, I’m actually a really big sports fan.  Lately I’ve been spending a lot of time in my home theater — it’s similar to one of your “man caves” — just watching games and things.  Just relaxing.  It was my idea.  But one of the teams that caught my eye was the Maryland Terrapins.  I understand they have a game tomorrow against the Eastern Kentucky Colonels (4:30 p.m., check local listings).  So I just wanted to stop in and break it down for you.

At first glance, it might seem like an easy win.  After all, it’s Eastern Kentucky!  But the simple and sad truth for Terp fans is, there is no such thing as a gimme putt.  Just ask Morgan State.  And Miami.  And American.  And Middle Tennesse State.  And Duke.  Oh wait, different sport.  But whatever, you see where I’m going.  And to make matters worse, Eastern Kentucky could actually be a tough matchup for the Terps.

The Colonels are currently 7-2 overall and their only losses are to Pittsburgh and Ohio Valley Conference leader Murray State.   In their wins, they have an average margin of victory of 16 points.  Why so dominant?  One reason and one reason only:  they put the ball in the hole.  They’re second in the OVC in field goal percentage.  But are you ready to have your mind blown, Sugar Tits?  They rank ninth in the ENTIRE COUNTRY in three-point percentage at 44.8 perecnt, and SECOND in all of Division I with 11 made threes per game.   Their top player is senior 6′6″ forward Josh Taylor, who has made 26 of 59 threes this year. He will be what we call a “tough cover” for Vasquez, Landon Milbourne, or whomever else the Terps might throw his way. Guards Justin Stommes and Papa Oppong are also dangerous, currently shooting 44 and 51 freaking percent from three, respectively.

This is all somewhat troubling since Maryland has had problems guarding the perimeter, preferring the run-out-there-and-yell-HEY-DON’T-MISS approach to a more demonstrably effective tactic like man-to-man defense, or not overplaying on the help side. Perhaps this is why Maryland currently ranks 11th in the ACC in three-point defense.

The Colonels also employ a 1-3-1 press. There’s the old saw about pressing teams not liking to be pressed, but that can go either way. And you know how this blog feels about the full-court press. It can be had.

While the EKU guards are tall — and you know I love tall — they only have one player over 6′7″. If Maryland plays its game, EKU shouldn’t have an answer for Milbourne, Jordan Williams, the triumphantly returning Dino Gregory, and all the others. It should be a Terps win. But it should be interesting, too.

And you know what? I’m rooting for Maryland. I know a guy from Maryland who’s really been helping me out lately.

Okay, I’m ready to keep filming!

Director: Ready to go people!

BZZZZZZZT. (“Caddyshack” theme playing)

Tiger: Oh, crap. It’s a text from Ee-lin. Oh God! She’s heading this way!

(He runs.)

Director: That’s lunch, people!

Prediction: EKU 69, Maryland 80