Torrey Smith

How Is the Football Team Spending its Bye Week?

On October 30, 2009, In Maryland sports, By Scott

Ever wondered what football players and coaches do during the bye week? Specifically wondering about the Maryland football team, who after consecutive losses to UVA and Duke now finds itself at 2-6 and nearly becoming the universal pick for worst team in the ACC?

Well, wonder no more. Through our inside sources, Shell Games has provided this exclusive update on coach and player bye week activities. Let us rejoice and be glad in it.

– Chris Turner: Shivering in a Simi Valley irrigation ditch

– James Franklin: Shivering in the film room

– Don Brown: Shivering in the bar room

– Ralph Friedgen: Shivering beneath an Old Country Buffet steam table

– Demetrius Hartsfield: Shivering in a training room hot tub

– Entire offensive line: Shivering through inspirational visit to spackle factory

– Anthony Wiseman and Cameron Chism: Shivering. Just shivering. So dark. So very, very dark.

– Da’rel Scott and Davin Meggett: Carrying footballs along the beach. Sipping cold drinks out of football-
shaped glasses. Clutching stuffed footballs in sleep. Shivering.

– Nick Ferrara: Long Island. Banging.

– Travis Baltz: Saving shivering children from trees

– Torrey Smith: A whirlwind tour of the country, stopping in Oakland, Detroit, Kansas City, St. Louis…
you know, just for shits and giggles.

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Maryland football team loses to Duke, hits rock bottom, sucks

On October 24, 2009, In Maryland sports, By Scott

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I want to congratulate the Maryand football team, with every sarcastic fiber in my being, for losing to Duke 17-13 today. That’s the same Duke team that hasn’t made a bowl game since 1994. The same Duke team that, between the 1999 season and this very game, has gone 19-101. Seriously.

Not to go over the cliff too much, but I think it’s safe to say we’re currently the worst-performing team in the ACC.

There’s no single remedy for Maryland. We won the turnover battle 4-3 (yay, only three turnovers!) but couldn’t capitalize. Didn’t score a TD until late in the third quarter, and it was our only one. 67 total rush yards, 182 pass yards to Duke’s 23 and 371. At least we stopped their running game. Not that that was a “key to victory” or anything. It’s like saying we stopped a cat from barking.

Questionable coaching calls everywhere. Another too-little, too-late, stat-padding comeback attempt. The Terps actually ended this one themselves by coughing it up twice in the final five minutes. Torrey Smith caught a grand total of two balls for 13 yards. 38% third down conversion rate. What else do you need to know? Thanks to good old ESPN360, I didn’t actually watch the game. But judging by the various updates and discussion boards, that is a good thing. Thanks, ESPN360! I never thought your evil would pay dividends.

Oh, were you thinking Duke is up this year? Bzzzzt. No they’re not. They’re still Duke. Duke sucks. Fu*k Duke. If they make a bowl game then I’m Shirley Chisholm.

As for Maryland, I’m just searching for a phrase right now. What’s the phrase I’m looking for…noodle dicks? No, that’s too mean. I wouldn’t want to call these guys noodle dicks in a forum that is at least technically public. If I were to call them noodle dicks, which they are, that would be an insult to The Kids. You gotta respect The Kids. Especially the kind of kids that bench 250 and run 4.5 forties.

Oh, wait, I’ve got the phrase now. Losers.

It’s nice down here with us losers, isn’t it? Sometimes, they drop a bucket of fish heads on us. That’s when we party!

At 2-6, the absolute best-case scenario is a 6-6, .500 finish. Raise your hand if you think they can do that. If you have your hand raised, please keep it up while I come around and collect your wallets. After all, I have a bridge I need to sell you. I’m going to assume you’re interested and just take your money. Your raised arms enhance the convenience of my doing so.

The best thing we can do is just move on as a people. Loitering only contaminates the crime scene. Let’s do the decent American thing and just pretend the rest of the season isn’t happening. Deal? Deal.

Tagged with: Bad Losses • ESPN360 • Football • fu*k Duke • Ralph Friedgen • The Media • Torrey Smith

A Maryland-Virginia football preview from celebrity chef Anthony Bourdain

On October 16, 2009, In Maryland sports, By Scott

Bourdain-Anthony-3 College Park, Maryland. The crown jewel of PG County may not be much to look at, but if you take the time to immerse yourself in its culture, you find it has a special life rhythm, a unique pre-revitalizational splendor all its own.

So when my producers told me a visit to College Park was imminent, my response was simple, and immediate: where do I sign. When College Park comes calling, my friends, you have no choice but to accept the charges.

The deal was only sweetened for me when I was informed, as we all clambored into that late-model Mercedes SUV, that the weekend in question was, in fact, homecoming weekend.

Homecoming weekend. It’s a time-honored tradition in this part of the world. Friends and family come from far and wide to pay visits to a favorite son, niece, or buddy who, with any luck, is working toward his or her diploma, that ticket to the real world that comes rushing at you like a Pamplona silverback stoned on Vivarin and Fundador. Revelers of all stripes eat and drink as if the world might end, and above all, they root. Root root. For the home team. Throw Midnight Madness in there, and you have the makings of a weekend for the record books, especially as they pertain to the local jail population.

Being from New York City, I admit to some uncertainty over the homecoming phenomenon. Fortunately for me, College Park offers the perfect initiation. The street food — hamburgers and hot dogs grilled in the open air, Thermonuclear hot wings, doughy Ratsie’s pizza — provides a veritable culinary rainbow for a humble, road-weary New York City traveler like myself. After a bite to eat and a drink or five, we head to Lot 4. And that’s where I see it for the first time. A father and son, both members of the same fraternity, wearing matching Under Armour shirts just a touch too small, weaving arm-in-arm through the crowd, vomiting on shoes, calling everyone gay. That’s when I finally understood. Though I hadn’t known it when I’d first set out, this was what I had come to see.

Oh, and I have also come for a football game. A football game between two teams bad enough that an ersatz rivalry was in order for the locals, and their football heroes, to give a crap. Maryland linebacker Alex Wujciak derided Virginia students as essentially a group of preppy snobs. Virginia coach Al Groh said that had he known about standout Terp receiver and Virginia native Torrey Smith, Smith would be playing for the Cavs right now. I suppose there is, after all, some legitimacy to this rivalry. As Ralph Friedgen points out, these campuses are relatively close, and a lot of the players know one another. Nevertheless, talk of this being some sort of blood feud rings as hollow to me as my road-weary footsteps on the lonely midnight pavement of New York City, where I grew up.

Even as the schools are close, so too are their teams. Virginia has rebounded from a winless start (which included, you’ll recall, a loss to William and Mary) to marshal a 2-3 record, nearly equalling Maryland’s illustrious 2-4. Star Cavs running back Mikell Simpson is doubtful for the game, which could put the pressure on big fullback and alleged felon Rashawn Jackson. Maryland, again, is in a similar boat. With their ground game gaining only 62 yards last week without Da’rel Scott, QB Chris Turner now may wish to seek out Torrey Smith, who is no doubt looking to show UVA what they missed. The aerial attack may be the Terps’ best chance, but it will face a UVA defense ranked third in the ACC against the pass and led by reining ACC Defensive Back of the Week Ras-I Dowling. You may remember that he picked off a pass in last year’s 31-0 Virginia romp over the Terps.

And there’s my segue. I’m from New York City, so I don’t know much about the state of Maryland. But in doing this show, I now know the state of Maryland football. They want revenge for last year’s butt-kicking, but frankly speaking, the signs are not encouraging. The predicted bad weather could turn this into trench warfare — not a strong suit for the Terps. We’ll see if Davin Meggett and the linemen are up to the task. My belief is they are not. Field goals will soar through the rain-soaked air like the mortar shells thumped over the treetops of Bastogne. And in the end, the Cavaliers will prevail. And the revelry in College Park will take a turn for the worse. But you know something? That’s my kind of party.

Prediction: Virginia 19, Maryland 9

Tagged with: Alex Wujciak • Anthony Bourdain • Chris Turner • Da'Rel Scott • Davin Meggett • Football • Ralph Friedgen • Special guest bloggers • Torrey Smith • University of Virginia

After Injuries, Offense is Running Uphill

On October 8, 2009, In Maryland sports, By Scott

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So the Terps’ top running back, Da’rel Scott, is out until at least Nov. 21 with a broken arm. Left tackle and o-line anchor Bruce Campbell, who has already missed half of the team’s games so far, may or may not be out against Wake with a knee. Injury.

Davin Meggett is OK as the starting RB, but he only got 27 yards against Clemson. Paul Pinegar would be OK at left tackle, but, well, he’s not Bruce Campbell.

Hopefully, the defense is rounding into form. With Torrey Smith (18th nationally in receiving yards) and company along the sidelines, the passing game doesn’t figure to stay down for long stretches. And with Smith (second nationally in all-purpose yards) handling returns and Nick “The Junior Kick” Ferrara playing the one-man band on the special teams, I’m sure that unit will continue to be solid, not to mention highly inspirational.

That leaves the running game hanging out there like Anthony Munoz’s retarded pinkie finger. According to this Post article, the Terps had 28 rushing yards in the Rutgers loss, and rank 100th nationally in rushing offense. The RBs have only scored five TDs this year, and Scott had three of those. I’m no Vince Cromartie, but when you SUBTRACT two of your best pieces from a unit that you already needed three numbers to rank, that may NOT be the spark you were hoping for. The Post article also states that, deep in the final quarter on Saturday, on a big fourth down (which Maryland converted), Coach Friedgen “wavered before deciding the offensive line could indeed stand up to Clemson’s athletic defensive front and help the Terrapins get six inches.” First of all, six inches. Second of all, it’s never a compliment when you hear “THAT is a unit you can really waver on.”

It will be interesting to see how they do against a fair-to-middlin Wake rushing defense. And we could see redshirt freshman Gary Douglas (21 yards against Clemson) get significant time, which would be interesting. Report on him is that he’s athletic enough, but not overly predisposed to the tough runs and the trench work. With the O-line still struggling, he could be called on to do plenty of the ugly stuff. As always….we shall see….between the white lines.

(Photo credit: Washington Times)

Tagged with: Bruce Campbell • Da'Rel Scott • Davin Meggett • Football • Gary Douglas • Nick Ferrara • Paul Pinegar • Ralph Friedgen • Torrey Smith

maryland football survives heart attack, beats clemson 24-21

On October 5, 2009, In Maryland sports, By Ian

University of Maryland Parking Lot 11B was a beautiful place to be Saturday morning at 11AM. The crisp fall morning had given way to an Indian summer day. The smell of smoke from the jalapeno brats that were smoking on our grill filled my nostrils. My chest was wet from the beer I had just shotgunned, providing a cooling reprieve from the heat that was rising from the pavement.

I looked around and listened. Despite the seemingly idyllic conditions for an early Fall football game, I didn’t like what I was seeing and hearing. Bodies cloaked in Clemson orange seemed to surround our tailgate. Southern accents and songs about how sexy pick-up trucks are filled my ears. My senses were stung, and my mind was clouded with dark thoughts.

Where are the Maryland faithful? How could people stay home on a day like this? Why have so many given up on the Terps so early in the season?

Confused, disoriented, bewildered, I continued to drink cans of Bud to try and numb these bad thoughts. Maryland was a 13-point homedog coming into this Saturday’s game against Clemson, but I couldn’t figure out why. Clemson is not particularly good. Neither is Maryland, but the Terps were at home, darn it! The whole scene seemed a little insulting.

My friends and I hiked up to our bench in the fifth-to-last row in Byrd Stadium. By the time we took our seats, Clemson had kicked a field goal had taken a 3-0 lead. Within minutes the Tigers added a touchdown and were up 10-0. Maryland struggled to get through the first quarter, repeatedly going three and out. This was not a good start.

The offense seemed to get it going in the beginning of the second quarter. Nick Ferrara’s 43 yd FG early in the quarter kept the game from getting out of hand. The Tigers countered with a field goal minutes later to make it 13-3.

Then, as he’s done so many times over the last few years, Chris Turner emerged from his fog and turned it on. Turner led the Terps on a 9-play, 76 yd drive culminating in a 29 yd Torrey Smith TD in the mid-second quarter to make it 13-10. That got the team and the crowd going. Turner then led a 9-play, 81 yd TD drive by repeatedly getting out of the pocket and running for first downs. It seemed that Turner was single-handedly willing his team to victory at that point. Jamari McCullough had a huge interception at the goal line to keep Clemson from scoring again at the end of the half. The Terps took a 17-13 lead into halftime in what had seemed like an improbably comeback just minutes earlier.

Then, things got weird.

The second half was a game of football hot potato. Both offenses completely stalled and were forced to punt repeatedly. The Terps seemed to break open the game when Tony Logan returned a punt 43 yards to the Clemson 1, and Davin Meggett punched it in a few plays later. Then, CJ Spiller took the ensuing kick-off 92 yards for a TD and a Clemson counter punch. Waves of orange and red were rocking accross the stadium. Everyone was looking around like, “Oh, it’s on.” But it wasn’t.

The fourth quarter was an exercise in offensive futility for both teams. Maryland had lost big offensive lineman Bruce Campbell to injury, and Clemson was getting penetration on every down. It was as if they had one guy line-up in the Maryland backfield on each play. Clemson started three drives in a row in Maryland territory late in the fourth quarter, including one that resulted from a bonehead call by Friedgen to go for it on a 4th-and-inches on his own thirty-one yard line. The Tigers failed to move the ball time and time again, and ended up missing two long field goals that would have tied the game. Maryland fans watched with raised blood pressure and shortness of breath as the Terps froze the Tigers on each fourth quarter drive. In the end, Maryland freshman linebacker Demitrius Hartsfield put the kibosh on Clemson’s comeback attempt by forcing and recovering a fumble on their final drive to put an end to things. To add to the drama, the officials reviewed the play as Maryland fans looked on, hoping the madness would end. It did, and the Terps got the win.

Big ups to:

Chris Turner for leading the comeback
Torrey Smith for looking like a track athlete while racking-up YAC on his TD catch and adding 174 all-purpose yards to his big year
Demitrius Hartsfield for 10 tackles, 8 of which were solo, and a huge game ending sack-forced fumble and recovery
Cameron Chism for mutliple open field touchdown saving tackles against CJ Spiller
Nick “The Kick II” Ferrara for converting a 43 yd field goal, filling in on punting dutuies and averaging an outstanding 43 yds per punt, and handling the kick-offs

Maryland is now 1-0 in ACC play. This is just the beginning of a four game stretch that presents some winnable games for the Terps.

After the game we savored victory in the parking lot, staying an hour late to let the Clemson fans get out while we toasted the win with some cold brews. It was a fun game to watch and a great time for Maryland fans. I hope more of you show up to the next one.

Don’t forget to vote for Shell Games in the Baltimore Sun Mobbies contest!

Tagged with: Cameron Chism • Chris Turner • Demetrius Hartsfield • Football • Nick Ferrara • Torrey Smith

After 1-3 start, time to move the goalposts

On September 27, 2009, In Maryland sports, By Scott

Let me just state the obvious. Forget about contending. Forget about a bowl game. Forget about respectability. After a 34-13 drubbing at home to Rutgers, maybe the Terps need some new, slightly more modest goals. How about mediocrity?

But before that, the game. At this point, it’s clear this is not a good team. I know, I know…this limb’s gonna snap!!! But seriously, their problems seem more intractable each week. Saying this team would be good “if they just stopped committing turnovers” is like saying the alcoholic would get better if he just stopped drinking; it’s obvious there are deeper demons after five more giveaways yesterday. Da’Rel Scott, for whatever reason, suddenly can’t hold on to the football. Chris Turner made some horrific decisions. And of course, there’s the pitiful O-line, which caused the almost comically awful play in the Terp end zone when Turner tried to throw it away to avoid a safety but instead just dribbled it onto the turf. Touchdown Rutgers.

The defense just plain sucks right now. Alex Wujciak, the unit’s leader, got 17 tackles and played well, but made no tackles for loss and forced no turnovers. That sums up the unit: they just don’t make plays. Just the opposite, in fact; they’re extraordinarily susceptible to big plays, as evidenced by Joe Martinek’s late TD runs of 29 and 61 yards to ice the game.

Torrey “Darrius Heyward-Bey” Smith continued his great but baffling play, finishing with 237 total yards but fading out of the offense in the second half. They’ve gotta get him the ball. I repeat: they have got to get him the ball. Don’t overthink it. Ride him into the ground.

I’ll stop there with the criticisms. Now, back to the goals. Since, for all intents and purposes, we’re playing for pride now, let’s do just that. Here’s a bold new goal: let’s try to not be the ACC’s worst team. The conference is weak. Duke and UVA should be Ws, right? Right? Bueller?

Final thought: it looks bleak, but I’m not taking up the torch and pitchfork yet. We’ve still got some eminently beatable teams on the schedule, and in the weak-as-my-grandmama ACC, much is possible. If the Terps, knowing they’re not gonna contend, can just keep their heads up and claw their way back to the pack, it won’t be a lost season. If nothing else, they’ve gotta beat Duke. It’s so important to have goals! Even if you have to change them all the time.

Tagged with: Bad Losses • Chris Turner • Da'Rel Scott • f*ck Duke • Football • Ralph Friedgen • Torrey Smith

A Rutgers-Maryland preview from the late Michael Jackson

On September 25, 2009, In Maryland sports, By Scott

michael_jackson_031605 Hello. I’m Michael Jackson. The entertainer? I recently passed away very quietly after a long bout with vampirism and hospital-grade anesthesia. What? Is that weird? I don’t think so. I think dying is very sweet. Very charming. And now I’m back! To spread a message of hope. And to handicap the Rutgers-Maryland game.

You didn’t know I was a football fan? I love football; it makes you wish, and dream. It provides a break from reality…sometimes I really needed that. Can’t you just picture me on a Saturday afternoon, lounging on my $750,000 rainbow-colored hippopotamus couch, a plate of corn dogs in one hand, ice cold glass of bat milk in the other? That’s a good lunch for me.

For the Maryland-Rutgers game, lots of weird parallels. It’s like Maryland holds up their hand in the mirror, and there’s Rutgers, and they’re waving, but at the same time, and they’re perfectly aligned! You know? No? Shamon over here and I’ll show you. First of all, both teams lost big in their openers–Rutgers lost to Cincinnati 47-15, and we all know about the Terps. Hee hee! But Rutgers is 2-1 now, while Maryland is 1-2. Both teams gamble with blitz-happy defenses, but the Rutgers defense locked down after its loss, surrendering just 22 points to Howard and FIU, while the Terps have surrendered approximately 822 points. Both have a two-headed RB monster — Joe Martinek and Jourdan Brooks for Rutgers, Scott and Meggett for the Terps. Rutgers starts an unproven freshman at QB (although he might be injured), and Maryland starts an unproven senior (just kidding Chris — a-HEE HEE!).

Even their stadium situations are eerily similar in an Opposite Day kind of way (Yaaay! I LOVE, I mean, I HATE Opposite Day!). Maryland’s ticket problems in its newly expanded stadium are well documented, but meanwhile Rutgers is packing its newly expanded stadium. It’s cra-zee! Almost as crazy as that Bubbles thing. Want to know a secret? There was no such thing as Bubbles. He wasn’t real! It was just some chimpanzee that I was having intercourse with. Sexual intercourse.

Bottom line: it’s a broken record for the Terps – and I should know about breaking records. If Maryland can get its O-line and running game working, they have a chance. If Torrey Smith can light up star CB Devon McCoury like a jheri curl on a Pepsi shoot, they have a chance. If Bruce Campbell returns at left tackle and can help slow down pass rush specialist Jonathan Freeny (Dwight’s second cousin), they have a chance. If they can play mistake-free, they have a chance.

But as with Billie Jean’s paternity suit, there are many ifs. And I don’t see that Maryland’s home field advantage is as strong as in years past. I would rank it behind the home field advantage I enjoyed at Neverland, although I had wine and special locks and Ferris wheels and wishing trees and hospital-grade anesthesia. As previously mentioned. Wheeee! Sorry, Terps, but I love my Scarlet Knights. But do not be melancholy. I love you all forever.

Love always,
Michael.

Prediction: Rutgers 27, Maryland 16

Tagged with: Bruce Campbell • Chris Turner • Da'Rel Scott • Davin Meggett • Football • Rutgers • Special guest bloggers • Torrey Smith

It wasn't all bad

On September 21, 2009, In Maryland sports, By Scott

I wouldn’t go so far as to say there are reasons to be happy with the Terps. Because there are none of those right now. So instead, maybe I can say that there are a few reasons to feel less gun-totey.

As first reported by Maryland alpha blog Testudo Times, Torrey Smith leads the nation in all-purpose yards. He also ranks 24th nationally in total receiving yards with 273, and that’s with only 14 catches. And he’s only a sophomore. Here’s hoping he gets more involved in the offense, and the criticisms that surrounded Darrius Heyward-Bey’s perceived underutilization are not repeated.

Also, the running game had its best day, if you don’t count the turnovers, although I realize that’s kind of like saying Bruce Willis is a good actor if you don’t count Hudson Hawk, The Jackal, Surrogates, Color of Night, and Look Who’s Talking Too. The beleagured O-line opened some decent holes for Da’rel Scott and Davin Meggett, who combined for 168 yards and two TDs. Megget also had 63 receiving yards. You can build on that.

The defense got their first turnovers of the season as well — two INTs from Cameron Chism and fumble recovery from Travis Ivey. Also, we had an A.J. Francis sighting! Very exciting. He was the one who blocked the extra point early on.

So there are some things we can cling to. At least until Monday is over.

Tagged with: A.J. Francis • Cameron Chism • Chris Turner • Da'Rel Scott • Davin Meggett • Football • Torrey Smith

Middle Tennessee Freaking State Freaking Owns Freaking Maryland

On September 20, 2009, In Maryland sports, By Scott

Look at this photo. Look at it!

They beat us in their house last year. Now they’ve beaten us in our house this year. All this talk about revenge game, and this and that, and this is what happens. Another year, another group of Blue Raiders jubilant at Maryland’s expense. Gah. I’m gagging. Need air. I need to breathe!

Okay. Get a hold of yourself, man. Whew. So I should probably mention that I didn’t actually watch the game, mainly because it will be a cold wet day in Hades before I cough up any money to the Evil Sports Programming Network for ESPN360.com. They could put the Super Bowl on there and I still wouldn’t pony up. Fuck them. That’s right. Fuck you, ESPN. Fuck ESPN360.com. And fuck this fucked up ACC TV deal. You want my wallet, you pry it out of my dead hand.

Whoa. Okay. Breathe. I’m a little angry. The morning after and I’m still upset. I may be misdirecting a bit but I’m still salty with ESPN for doing this. Anyway, a bunch of us were getting updates from a friend via cellphone, and it looked like we had it in the bag. That is, until Middle Tennessee State drove the length of Byrd Stadium in the final moments to kick a game-winning field goal. Read that sentence again. Guess what the key play was on the drive. Cameron Chism – Nolan Carroll’s replacement — was burned for 35 yards. What was a team strength — secondary — is now a glaring weakness. Jamari McCulloch can’t come back fast enough.

Other problems: Poor tackling. Missed field goals. Turnovers, including one by backup QB Jamarr Robinson, who played a whopping three snaps but somehow managed to lose a fumble. Again, the lines were porous. And in general, the offense and defense don’t seem to be, what’s the word, functioning.

Bright spots: 287 all-purpose yards from Torrey Smith. To be fair, Chism had two interceptions. Chris Turner had 288, 2 TDs, 1 INT, although he was sacked four times. Travis Baltz had a 40.6 punting average. Rock solid!

Bottom line: Two consecutive losses to Middle Tennessee State = unacceptable. Period. Ralph Friedgen has a lot of work to do. Everyone says his job is safe because the assumption is he’s going to fulfill his contract (this season then two more) and then fade into the sunset. Fine. But right now, there’s a playing-out-the-string feel to all of this that can’t continue. Fridge seemed angry after the game. Good. I think the team can round into form during the ACC season, but it’s not gonna happen automatically. Get to work, guys. This is humiliating.

(Photo credit: AP photo/Murfreesboro Daily News Journal)

Tagged with: Bad Losses • Chris Turner • Da'Rel Scott • ESPN • Football • Jamarr Robinson • Middle Tennessee State • Ralph Friedgen • The Media • Torrey Smith • Travis Baltz

A Maryland-Cal preview from special guest Kate Gosselin

On September 4, 2009, In Maryland sports, By Scott

kate-gosselin-wedding-dress OK, guys. Listen up! Are you listening? I need complete silence from you guys right now, OK? Mommy’s about to do some blogging. I know, honey…yes, it’s for the losers. I know. But remember last week, when Mommy’s head spun around in a full circle, and her eyes got all white? Yes, very good Mady…that was Scary Mommy. If you don’t want to see Scary Mommy again, please be quiet. Mommy appreciates it. I’m supposedly getting twelve dollars for this. Eat your Kentucky Grilled Chicken, OK?

OK, sorry, hi, blog reader out there. “Sports fan.” What, are you pouting because John Summeralls isn’t here instead? Well, let me tell you one thing, bucko. We’re doing this my way? Or you can hit the highway. Because I don’t want to hear it from you. Don’t like it? Look, I’m packing you a bag. See? It’s full of soiled diapers, FDS and Altoids Gum. That should get you to Allentown, right? Or maybe you just want to sit back down.

Pussy.

So is there football starting tomorrow or are you just happy to see me? Probably a little of both. Conjuring up The Orange Bikini Shot? Got a little Gosselin burn-in, do you? I don’t blame you. You see this? No telling where the stretch marks end and the lipo scars begin. It’s like a scarway to heaven, ahahahaha! So you just keep on daydreaming, buddy boy. That is, unless your last name is “Clooney” or “Philbin.” Is it? It’s not? Oh, okay. Back to your Doritos then, desk jockey. Don’t strain yourself there.

As we all know, Maryland upset Cal last year when the Bears were ranked #23. But this year, the Bears are ranked #12. Whereas Maryland lost 30 players after last season, the Bears return 17 starters. You do the math. The biggest star for either team is Heisman Trophy Candidate Jahvid Best. He’s a finesse guy, and he’s on the home Astroturf this time around. You know what that means. Track meet. Best ran for 1,580 yards in 2008, 916 of which came at home — and he missed one of those games. Yeah, Maryland held him to a season-low 25 yards last year, but who’s gonna make Jahvid Best puke on Saturday? Ahh, Kevin Barnes — now THERE was a man. Not like you guys; no offense. But you know what I mean, you know? Plus, apparently Jahvid is out for blood this year. And I can relate. I have also developed a taste for blood. But Jon was all like, “stop cutting me open in the middle of the night,” and “we can’t raise children just to harvest their blood,” and yadda yadda yadda. It was always about him, his needs.

But it’s not just about Best for Cal. They’re returning eight starters on a defense that ranked 26th nationally last year. Their defensive line is particularly strong, anchored by senior Tyson Alualu. Wow — a West Coast team with a big Polynesian guy on defense. Shocking. But still, I guess he might be a problem for Da’rel Scott and the Terp runner guys, which could translate to a big test for Torrey Smith, Adrian Cannon, LaQuan Williams, and the rest of those young buck receivers if the runner guys stall. Yoo-hoo, young bucks! Ever seen a cougar before? Look, I’m on the “prowl” right now. Rawr!

Oh, paparazzi! How did you put yourselves in my speed dial?

One more thing about the game. Maryland’s big weakness — the lines — may not be such a big deal against Cal, who aren’t exactly known for their smashmouth football.

ALEXIS! Stay out of there! You know Daddy’s room is off limits while Mommy turns it into a wine bar. Eat your Kentucky Grilled Chicken. Good stuff, right, Lexi? All you moms out there know what I’m talking about. Or anyone who’s ever respected a mom. Go check out Kentucky Grilled Chicken! It’s really been my strength lately. My stability.

Bottom line. Let me try to break it to you gently. I think Cal’s gonna kick your heinies. They want revenge, they’re at home, they’ve got more horses and more experience. (Maryland’s still gonna cover that ridiculous 22-point spread, though.) Now before you start whining at me — I can’t STAND it when a man whines — you need to understand that I think Maryland will win some games this year. Okay? Just not this one.

Prediction: Maryland 12 (no successful extra points), Cal 30

Tagged with: Adrian Cannon • Da'Rel Scott • Football • Jahvid Best • Kate Gosselin • LaQuan Williams • Special guest bloggers • Torrey Smith

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