Happy holidays, you knuckleheads! Ready for your present? I’m gonna write a preview about your boys the Terps playing Winston-Salem State. TONY! Who ya GOT???

No Tony? Well, I can do this by myself. As I may have mentioned, I’m from the South Side of Chicago. Where the people and the fans are real. Not like you Maryland fans. Bunch of sorry, no-account whiners. YOU CALL YOURSELF AN AUDIENCE?!?!?! Bah. You think you know whining? Go down to the South Side of Chicago some time, big boy. We can discuss what’s wrong with my Cubbies. Seriously, what’s wrong with them? And Jay Cutler, who’s just so…I don’t know. (Wrings hands.)

And bloggers! Don’t even get me started. Why did you even ask me about them? No objectivity! No journalistic values! (Sips from Bears mug.) Bunch of sorry, no-account losers living in their parents basements. Just like all the other Internet users. See all that whining? That’s how you do it, Maryland! That’s how you do it.

So here’s what’s happening with your Terps, boys and girls. First of all, they’re coached by Gary Williams. Okay? Everyone just needs to take a deep breath and remember that. I know Gary Williams pretty well. We play a lot of golf together. So obviously that makes him a good coach. But not just a good coach. A great coach. Gary Williams is a great coach. Who’s a great coach in the ACC? You’ve got Roy Williams. You’ve got Mike Shichefsky. And you’ve got Gary Williams. THAT’S IT! THAT’S THE LIST! Anyone else who says anything different is stupid. Got that? Stupid. They should be fired from whatever line of work they’re in.

Yes, he’s lost some games against inferior opponents. Yes, they seem, at times, to give what I call an inconsistent level of performance. In all my years covering basketball, I know inconsistent when I see it. But you know what? I know Gary Williams. I’ve played golf with this man. Just the other day, it was yours truly, Gary (I usually just address him by his first name), Chuck Barkley, and Steve Nash out on the links in Scottsdale. Gary hit a five-iron approach shot into the water. I’ve never seen a golf club get abused like that. I’ve also never seen Steve Nash jump so high. So yes, Gary Williams is a great coach. Great coach? He’s a great coach.

So let’s run through some stats really fast. (Puts on glasses, looks down at paper on desk.) Winston-Salem State is 2-6. They shoot 35 percent from the field. Their best players are guard Brian Fisher and forward Shelton Carter, who is second on the team in rebounding and first in three-point shooting. So he could be an interesting matchup. But still, as my good friend Chad Ochocinco would say, “child please.” These guys are just the guys who couldn’t get a look from Wake. Heck, from UNC Asheville. This could be Maryland’s easiest game of the season.

Now having said that, would it surprise me if Winston-Salem State won? Not really. I expect Maryland to win, but I wouldn’t be shocked if Winston-Salem State pulled the upset. See how I do that? This way, no matter what happens, I can plausibly claim that I saw it coming. That’s what smart people do in order to seem smart. Got it? Good. See you around, knuckleheads! PTI re-airs at 6:30 on ESPN2. Good night, Canada.

Prediction: Winston-Salem State 52, Maryland 101

(Photo credit: The Screening Jock)